Dear Mom and Dad, I'm not that fine! The host has lost his mind!
by I'll Cover Angel and Collins
Summary: You asked me what I wanted to be and now I think the answer is plain to see! I wanna be normal! I wanna live far away from this place! So, I'll pack my bags and head to space! Even that is still to close! Na Na Na Na Nananananananananana! The cast writes letters to their parents about their lives on the show!
1. Duncan

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything except my ideas! **

_Dear Mom and Dad, _

_I'm writing this letter to you to ask you, What the hell were you thinking? I should have stayed in Juvie! This place is horrible! Yet, you signed me up for every single season WITHOUT my consent! Who would have thought I would be on this show 4 times with a guest appearance in season 4! Do you guys really hate me that much?! I was hanging out at the stupid playa des loser waiting to go home when these really crappy interns informed me that I would be doing season 5! I don't know what's worse! The fact that I haven't seen you guys in almost 2 years because of this show or the fact that some middle aged pervert is practically raising us and doing a really shitty job! Benny the cook in Juvie made better food then Chef hatchet! I swear to god I'm going to kill you both when and if I ever manage to get back! I'm pretty sure eventually Chris, that sadistic bastard plans on making me get one of the girls on this show knocked up so he can continue making more money off of this show! I can just see it now! Total Drama: Teenage parenthood. _

_So, as you figured out by now, I don't love you guys because you suck! You never call or visit! You sent me one video from home like 2 years ago and then what happened? I bet you rented my room out or something! Seriously, What did I possibly do to deserve this?! Yeah, I wasn't the best kid ever but seriously, 5 seasons living on an island with these people?! Have you even watched the show?! I've been forced to climb pyramids, Sing badly, pushed out of a plane at least 6 times, forced to stay awake for days, Forced to dress up like a caveman and fight people with bones, Locked in a shed all night that smelled like fish, had to hug a Celine Dion cardboard standee along with many other assorted embarrassing and painful tasks! _

_Let's talk about what life is like off Cameras! Chris hits on Lindsay all the time! I'm pretty sure he hit on Trent too back in season 1 but it's okay, Trent didn't want him! Trent wanted me! He told me he liked my nipple piercings! Needless to say, I took those fuckers out and left them close! That's when I started dating Courtney so he would leave me alone! I swear every single contestant here except myself is bisexual or something! Izzy snuck into my cabin one night and handcuffed me to my bed which would have been totally awesome if she was going to do something kinky! She bit me DOWN THERE and then robbed me of the $20 bucks that I stole from Justin! She also took my bus pass and my lucky rabbits foot! So, now that I'm dating Gwen, Trent approached me the other day and told me that he was into Gwen still but he still liked me and wanted to sleep with me, He then asked me if Gwen and I would like to have a threesome with him! I politely declined and punched him in the face. I hope Gwen doesn't ask me why I punched him, Because I never told her about Trent wanting me because that's really awkward and gross! Geoff is my best friend around here, You wouldn't know him because I've never been home since I met him! But that's okay because his parents don't call him or invite him home either! We have that in common! As much as that guy is awesome I hate the fact that his room is right next door to mine! He yells SO loud and says 'Dude' way to much! Not to mention he has sex with Bridgette way too much, I'm down for sex any day of the week just not as much as Geoff and Bridgette are apparently! Some nights it's hard to sleep because they can go at it for hours! _

_I also did not quit smoking, They banned smoking on this show and in the stupid playa des losers! So I have to walk all the way to the dock of shame and smoke under a tree! That's totally not fair because Chris smokes all the time and he can do it because 'He's the host' I really want to punch that guy in the face but I can't because he's like my father and you wouldn't punch your father in the face...UNLESS HE SENT YOU TO AN ISLAND FOR YEARS AND NEVER BOTHERED TO CALL YOU TO WISH YOU A HAPPY BIRTHDAY! _

_Not so much love, _

_Duncan. _

_P.S. Don't forget to water my plants and send some cigarettes!_

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**So, That's the first chapter! Every contestant is going to write a letter to their parents and tell them about what has been going on in their lives since the show started. Normally, I would take requests and ask who you want to see next but then I don't get actual reviews, I just get spammed with character names if I even ask! So, I'm just going to do every single character in whatever order I feel like. But just be assured that I WILL be doing every single contestant on the show including the cast of season 4. Review! **


	2. Courtney

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the ideas in my head!**

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_Dear Mom and Dad, _

_I'm writing to inform you that I plan on suing you for every cent you own! So, I tried to come home while they were filming season 4 only to find out that you moved! I found that out from the lovely real estate agent that asked me if I wanted to see the house! So, I had to hire a private investigator to track down your new house! Yes, I know where you live and you better believe I'm taking you to court! This has got to be some form of child abandonment! I'm 16 years old and you left me on an island and told me not to come back until I actually won the million which apparently you were serious! _

_So, aside from that, I'd like to tell you that I'm not dating anyone now because Duncan is a lowlife scumbag! He broke my heart! I'm looking into suing for that! My lawyers say I don't have a good case on that one. Duncan is a horrible person with a criminal record and I'm so glad you never had to meet him! I think Chris wanted him to knock me up or something for ratings! _

_Anyway, I'm going to tell you about this hell that I'm forced to live at that I currently call 'Home' since you guys all moved and didn't bother to tell me! Let's start off with the fact that the food really sucks and Chef Hatchet did NOT pass the health inspection! There are roaches all over the kitchen in this stupid Playa Des Loser! The beds are horrible and I haven't been able to get a decent sleep since I got here! Everyone else here is an idiot and my room is right next to Gwen's, Which I'm SO over that! Do I care that I can hear Duncan and Gwen having sex next door?! No way! They can do whatever they want! I'll just continue to pound on the walls and scream at them while they do it! I mean, Seriously! Who does he think he is?! I swear Duncan does it on purpose just to make me jealous! I mean I'm obviously not! Why would anyone be jealous of that green haired freak?! _

_I'm into a few guys around here that I know Daddy wouldn't approve of, But if you ever invite me back to this new house you got I would love to bring one of them to meet you! His name is Alejandro and he likes Heather but I can easily change that, He also loves money which I have tons of! Well...You guys have tons of! But when you finally accept me back into the family, I'm sure he would dump her and date me, I'm so much prettier than her! How could he say no? I'm like a full package deal and I'm a CIT! who wouldn't want to date me?! Duncan doesn't know what he gave up! Alejandro doesn't know what he could have! _

_I'm wondering if I could sue half of the people on this show, They all cheat! That's pathetic! They're all Pathetic! Heather has made it so far in every season! I'm about 95% sure she's sleeping with Chris! If it works for her, Maybe I should give it a shot! I'll just pretend he's Duncan or Johnny Depp! _

_I promise you, I will be on the 5th season! Chris just didn't ask me yet! He asked Heather though! I'm sure he's going to ask me soon! If he doesn't I can think of at least 4 things that I can sue him for! Mom and Dad I know you're both Lawyers and you don't want to look bad, So please don't make me sue you! SEND ME A HOUSE KEY! IF MY STUFF ISN'T IN THIS NEW HOUSE OF YOURS, I'M SUING YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU OWN! I WILL SHOW YOU NO MERCY! I'M A WINNER! YOU BETTER GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL, DAD! _

_So, Seriously...Make me a copy of the house key and please inform me the next time you move unless you want to be sued for child endangerment! You know I can do it, mom! You left me with some perverted old man for years! You made me feel like a loser! I will win! and when I do, you assholes aren't getting one single cent of my prize money! _

_Much love, _

_Courtney _


	3. Gwen

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything...Not even the letters because they belong to the cast...**

**-tdangie **

**I drabbled on it for awhile and it took me forever to actually get those few lines which is why I started writing nanananananaananananana! I couldn't even think of anything to top what I wrote for the summary! The title alone was tricky! **

**Also, to everyone who is reading these letters in the characters voices! You're awesome because that's what I do when I write these! If I can't see someone saying it in my head, I don't write it! If you're not reading it in the characters voices then you're doing it wrong and missing out on the humor of doing so.**

**Random fact: Any story I write is 100% on the top of my head, I don't rough draft anything! I open a word pad and I just do it. That's how my best ideas seem to come to me so shall we begin?**

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_Dear mom and Brother who I haven't seen in so long that I forgot his name, _

_Thanks for sending me that video from home two years ago! I actually forgot my brother's name and I'm really sorry about that! What was it? Connor? Colton? Cody...Oh no, Cody is the kid from the show I was on, you two much have watched it, right? _

_Well as you can obviously tell, I'm doing just fine living here on my own and I actually wanted to say thanks mom! You were always driving me nuts and telling me I couldn't color my hair to express myself! I don't have to worry about it here! Chris always gives me money for hair dye, because it's in my contract! Signing up for this show was the greatest thing I have ever done to spite you! So, to say I miss you and want to come home would be a lie, In fact I don't get why everyone else here complains about not having their parents around, This is like a teenagers dream! I'm writing this right now in my boyfriends room while he is sitting on his bed without his shirt on listening to his music and I have the biggest smile on my face right now knowing that you are going to flip out when you read this and I know you can't do anything about it! Being a rebel totally rocks! If I would have brought Duncan home for you to meet you would have freaked out! It would have been hilarious! Do you remember when we made out in season 3 in the bathroom? That was just for you mom! That was for not letting me go swimming in 6th grade at Jeremy Johnson's house because you knew I liked him! _

_So as you can guess right now, Chris is making us all write these letters to look good on Camera! I told him how much I miss Barney, my dog and that I was laughing at all the good times we had, Little does he know that I'm not writing a nice letter and that I don't have a dog! Oh, the things you do and say around here to get hair dye...So yeah, This is going to be the only letter you will ever get from me! You don't understand me at all and I'm going to some art college with all that money I made from the show! _

_Let's talk about how great my life is here at the playa, I wake up at noon and then I eat as much junk food as I want until Chef Hatchet cuts me off or until Owen eats it all, Usually the second one happens first. I get to hang out all day with my hot boyfriend who has a criminal record, Betcha Jeremy Johnson is looking better to you now! Duncan and I make out a lot! Sometimes I don't think he gets me though, Trent understood me way more! I dumped him because he got freaky and obsessive, I think he may like boys too because I've seen the way he looks at Chris sometimes and it concerns me. Do you know what else concerns me? Courtney. She needs to get over the fact that Duncan picked me and not her, Heather also needs to get over herself! I don't know what she's doing to make it in every single season but I KNOW she's got to be up to something! Duncan tells me not to worry about Heather because it's only going to stress me out, but how can you not wonder what she's doing to make it in every single season! I didn't get asked to appear in season 4! They picked DJ and Bridgette over me! I'm way more popular on this show then DJ and Bridgette! _

_So yeah, Life here is great! and I almost one the first season! Couldn't be happier with my life! I'm living life all on my own and one day I'm going to marry Duncan and he's going to support me unless he gets arrested, but he promised me he's going to try to do better! We are going to last for sure! Don't judge me mom, I know what you'll say, That'll he'll cheat on me just like he did Courtney but that's different he would NEVER do that to me! He promised, so I'm not worried at all. _

_Yay for being a teenage rebel! _

_See you eventually, _

_Gwen. _


	4. Cody

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything except my twisted ideas!**

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_Dear Mom and Dad, _

_So this is awkward that I have to write this, How have things been going since I left? I think I'm 16 now, or maybe 17? I kinda forgot since you forget my Birthday all the time. So, things have been alright since I got here and I fell in love with Gwen but she loves Duncan so that really sucks. I'm really hitting it off with the ladies and I'm hoping to see you guys really soon! I would call you but I think you forgot to pay my phone bill or something...It's okay...I managed to get my phone back on with the money I got for being in the final 3 when I was in season 3. _

_So, let me tell you about how many girlfriends I had since I started this show, Lindsay is in love with me but I turned her down! Courtney and I were a thing for 3 weeks until Duncan found out and we had a fight that I would have won if he didn't have a gun, Then there was the time I dated Katie and Sadie! It was awkward so I dumped them and of course they cried. I dated some girl from season 4 whose name was Dawn for awhile too but then I decided that I wanted to be with Heather! I mean you saw us in season 3 right? She couldn't keep her hands off of me! I mean obviously she picked me over Alejandro when the season was over, You guys are believing this, right? I mean, I'm going to send you the pictures I had Tyler take of me and the girls, I HAVE PROOF THIS HAPPENED! _

_So, I guess you want to know about my life at here? Well I eat a lot of candy and sometimes I run out of candy and then I have to ask other people for candy! Trent always has candy, but he wants sexual favors for it! This one time he had Godiva and I couldn't help myself...He asked me to meet him in the showers! I went and Chris filmed it and now he's selling it! Courtney is working on helping me sue him but Chris tells me that he'll give me 7% of every tape and download of it so I guess that's cool, Sierra bought like 9 copies in the past 2 days, I tried to tell her she only needed one but she insisted she wanted to help me pursue my 'Porn Star' career. _

_By now you're most likely freaking out about my safety, That is if you even remember me at this point, I assure you that I'm not worried because what I just told you is one of the more normal things that happen around here. It's a normal day for someone to walk in the shower every morning and see Gwen and Duncan going at it like rabbits...Oh, how I hate Duncan! It's also normal for Trent to be a creep and confess his love to random people, Trent falls in love with someone new every week! He already told me he wanted to be with me twice since I've been here! Right now he is in love with Leshawna and Harold isn't taking that too well. _

_Last night while I was sleeping in the playa des losers, Izzy broke into my room and threw Noah into my bed completely naked and handcuffed me to the bed post, We were both very confused that morning when I woke up to find that I couldn't move from my bed and that my only source of getting free was Noah who had no clothes on and a big old piece of morning wood, If he had pants on he would have been able to pitch a tent... So it was awkward and now he wants to 'Talk about it' later and I just want to avoid him and Izzy was disappointed that we didn't do anything because apparently she wanted to make a better porno then Chris! Seriously, Who does that?! Then again...Who sends their son to an island/dangerous abandon TV studio/Dangerous Airplane to foreign countries/Uni-Sex Hotel room looking apartment place and never bothers to even send him a cake on his Birthday?! Even the crazy stalker girl remembered my Birthday!...Uh...Sorry about that, I guess I'm a tad bit irritated about that...But seriously, If you ever want me to come home I'm just a phone call away!...Seriously though, Call me and send me candy so I can stop begging Trent! _

_Please Help, _

_Cody! _

_P.S.  
I won't hate you for forgetting about me on purpose if you just send me a ticket home! We can pretend this whole thing never happened...Total Drama? What's that? I never heard of that! See? Already out of my head... _


	5. Owen

**Disclaimer: Nothing is mine!**

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_Dear Mom and Dad, _

_I'm doing fine, you guys are on my mind, you asked me what I wanted to be and I did it! I'm popular! Hey, guys it's me Owen! I'm writing to let you guys know how great it is here! Everyone loves me and I made a bunch of friends! Sure Courtney could be nicer to me, but she's just on her period, Same with Gwen and Heather! I think Heather is on her period 365 days a year! Anyway, who needs the girls? I had the BEST cabin mates ever in every season! Can you imagine how lucky I am to get to be in a cabin with NOAH AND JUSTIN!? it was like my wildest dreams came true! Noah is so smart and funny and good looking! who wouldn't want to be friends with him?! Justin is amazing! He's always laying out by the pool getting tanning tips from Al and I love to watch from the window! Nobody tans like Justin! That guy is so good looking, sometimes I think Chris just pays him to be THAT good looking, If Justin and Noah ever hooked up, I know I would peek from my covers if it happened in a cabin...That sounds wrong, doesn't it? I need to word these things better. _

_So let me tell you about camp! Everyone is SO nice when the cameras are off. This morning I was going to take a shower and then I forgot I stored a bunch of canned food in my bathroom so I couldn't use mine so I decided to ask Chris if I could use his shower! (He's such a great guy when the cameras go off!) So I go bang on his door at like 5:30am and he screams through the door 'Owen, go away! It's 5:30 in the morning! you asked me yesterday if you could use my shower and I told you to fuck off' so then I told him that I really needed to use his bathroom too (Because of the can of beans I ate last night! They were so good!) that's when Chris screamed through his door again 'Owen, I don't care! I'm fucking Heather and I'm not letting you use my bathroom!' I think he was lying though, he must have broken his bathroom too and was just too embarrassed to tell me. So I just ended up going to the bathroom under the dock because none of the guys were up! I mean I pounded and pounded on every door for at least 10 minutes and nobody answered the door, They must be really heavy sleepers! _

_I want to thank you for sending me here mom and dad, This place is amazing! Chef is the best cook ever and I made a ton of friends! The one time Duncan told me 'If I see you staring at my nipple rings one more time I swear to god I'm going to knock you unconscious and pierce your dick!' He's such a nice guy! How did he know I wanted it done? I only picked that place because I don't have the body for nipple rings otherwise I would impress Justin with my super cool nipple rings! But Duncan knows me so well, he knows I can't deal with pain so for him to give me something to put me to sleep while he does the piercing would be fantastic! I may have to ask him to do it for me today! This letter got me so pumped to ask him! _

_So, my Birthday is coming up soon and I'm throwing myself a party! I'm inviting all the guys from the show! My invitations say no girls allowed! I wouldn't want them to ruin all the guy fun! It seems like every time Gwen, Bridgette and Heather show up that Duncan, Geoff and Alejandro don't really want to talk anymore! They get really distracted when those girls come around so I can't let the girls ruin this party! It's going to be a pool party! I even convinced Chris to ban the girls from the pool on that night and get him to have Chef cook all the food for me! I told him how worried I was about these darn girls ruining the party and he said he would keep them in the playa all night and he would personally watch the girls while the guys had the party and he wasn't going to even let them leave the playa and ruin this guys night! He's such a great guy to do this for me! I feel kinda bad though for Chris, having to stay all by himself in the playa with every girl on this show instead of coming to the awesome party! I owe him big time for this! Maybe I'll save him a piece of cake! _

_Dad you should swing by and leave mom and home! _

_Love you for sending me here, _

_Owen._

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**Yeah, I think Owen's the ultimate cock block...lol ****Don't you love how he dosent take offense to anything! So yeah, I wrote this in half an hour! I challenged myself. I have to leave for work in like 20 minutes. So my hair is soaked and I'm not dressed but I did write this! So, I still consider this a win for me! I get home at 2am and there was no way in hell I was going to be able to come home and write you guys a new chapter at 2am and make it to bed by 3am! I do 10 hour shifts for anyone who does not know! **


	6. Eva

**Disclaimer: Yeah, I don't own anything.**

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_Dear Mom, _

_I guess you're glad I'm gone, right? Is that why you never bother to write me? I'm sorry I'm not a beauty queen like you and I'm sorry that disappoints you. I wanted to tell you that I'm really sorry Dad left you, but for you to send me away thinking it was my fault? How the hell can you be so harsh? It wasn't my fault and it never will be. So for me to say I'm glad to be here would be an understatement but it's better than being with you. _

_I'm only writing this because Chris is making me. I bet you don't even read this, If anyone from this cast found out that my Mom is a supermodel and my Dad was a famous porn star they wouldn't believe it by looking at me! If they saw a picture of you and Dad I'm pretty sure they would mistake you for Lindsay's parents. Only two people here know about it and that's the way I want it to stay, Noah and Jo are the only ones I know who would keep it a secret. Izzy has a big mouth so I wouldn't tell her anything! _

_Let me start by saying something to you, Mom! No matter what you say I will continue to go by Eva and not Evalynn! I'm not gay, I just like to body build! So what if I experimented with girls?! You confused me my whole life! This show is horrible but at least I have a place to stay and we don't move all the time! So what if most people here don't like me? I'm happy with myself! At least here I can be me! _

_So what if I made out with Heather on a dare before?! So what if when I work out with Jo I look at her when she gets sweaty?! I have no interest in Lindsay at all, she reminds me of you mom! A brainless 16 year old bimbo who has no clue who she is dating! Are you disappointed I didn't do season 2 and 3 because you shouldn't be! I decided I didn't want to do it! I would much rather stay at the playa and be a loser! At least when I'm here, Noah is my friend! So I don't plan on coming home at all. I think you sent me away because you're a selfish bitch who just wants to get laid and you don't even care if I come back so I'm not going to come back, That should make you really happy. _

_There is this guy here whose name is Lightning and he keeps asking me out on dates! I guess that should make you happy that someone wants to date me, but I'm pretty sure he's gay and thinks I'm a man. Jo pushed him in the pool at least 8 times today for calling her a guy. So maybe I'll go on a date with this Lightning freak just so people will stop thinking I'm gay. _

_Sometimes I wish you weren't a super model and then maybe I could actually spend more time with you. For having two amazingly good looking parents, I'm shocked I turned out the way I did and apparently you were just as shocked and even more shocked that dad left you, which is why I'm here on this island. _

_I need to prove to myself that I'm better then you'll ever be! Once I'm old enough I plan to go to college somewhere far away from this place. _

_Hope you rot in hell you coincided bitch! _

_Always, Eva._

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**So yeah, It wasn't exactly funny...But most of them will be! I'm trying to give an occasional semi serious back story to these characters. So, Uh...I'm going to ask a question that I'm really dreading asking...Who should be next? Izzy, Heather or Trent? I have a back-story for all 3 that is already planned. Keep in mind, The longer you make me hold off Trent the nuttier he is going to be. Heather's is going to be interesting and Izzy...Well...You'll see. So, Trent, Heather or Izzy? PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF FANFICTION DO NOT SPAM ME WITH RANDOM NAMES! You can tell me Trent, Izzy or Heather in a REVIEW ya know, a review where you actually type words and not just the name of a character?! Don't make me regret asking...**


	7. Heather

**Disclaimer: I don't own a damn thing. If I did Chris and Courtney would be having some sort of illegal relationship.**

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_Dear Mom and Dad, _

_I'm writing to let you know that I have absolutely no regrets in signing up for this show, In fact I've come to accept that I'm really that good at it...Plus I'm sleeping with the host and Alejandro so either way it's a win/win for me! I'm actually writing this because 1. Chris is making me and 2. I'd rather you hear the truth from me than those other losers in our town! You guys have raised me for the first 16 years of my life and then you basically signed off all legal rights to me when you allowed me to do this. _

_So, let's start off with the fact that I'm dating Alejandro and I plan on forming an alliance with him in season 5 but at the same time I'm also sleeping with the one and only Chris Mclean! Am I proud of this? No. Not all the time. Does Alejandro know? He sure does! Sometimes he even joins in! Why would I do this you may be wondering? Well Chris likes sex and I like money and winning so the way this works, everyone wins. _

_But enough about my sex life, I want to tell you what kind of freaks live around here and how I've been messing with them all! I convinced Trent that Noah has a no clothes allowed rule when you enter his bedroom and that should be fun to watch unfold. I also convinced Trent that he should follow Anne Maria into the bathroom because she thinks he's hot and she wants to see him naked. Trent's a moron! Owen's not much better, He had this stupid party for the guys so what did I do? I told that asshole Lightning that it was a party for the girls and he should be a stripper and jump out of the cake! So, after hours of stalking Chef in the kitchen and the right timing, He did it! Owen was thrilled, Justin was confused, Duncan puked, Cameron regretted going and Geoff deemed it the worst party ever! I made Alejandro film the whole thing and we posted it online! _

_The only bad thing about staying here is Chris is cheap and makes us use one bathroom in the hallway! Let me re-word that...We have our own bathrooms! However almost all of them are broken so we are forced to share one bathroom in the hallway and Chris won't let me use his shower! I mean seriously! I have sex with him and I still have to use the hallway bathroom?! Some days I just skip taking a shower especially when Trent is in front of me in the line! He shampoos his hair 9 times and then conditions it 9 times! by then I have no hot war! Oh and when I get behind Harold he leaves this green slime on the floor all the time! I have no clue what it is and I don't want to know. _

_Gwen and Courtney are starting to make me paranoid, I think they may want Chris too! Chris is a sleeze ball anyway and he would sleep with them! I can't let that happen because then that's less advantages to me in this game! Courtney is ALWAYS watching me and this morning I see her eating breakfast with Chris acting like she likes him! Gwen did his laundry, which usually Chef does! What the hell are they up to?! If they think they're getting in Chris's bed they have got another thing coming! There is only room for two people in his bed and that's me and Alejandro NOT Courtney and Gwen! Mom, you have been in a situation like this, I remember when you told me the story, Help me get them away from my instant million?! I NEED ADVICE MOTHER! _

_So, I'm going to tell you about my room! My room is right across the hall from that weird girl Dawn and she's always hanging out with this guy named B and she gives these things called 'Aura Readings' for free which means that these assholes are constantly knocking on her door all day and night! Can you imagine how annoyed I was the first night she moved in?! The first night she moved in and made her 'ability' known, Justin was at her door at 3am saying 'is my aura as pretty as me?!' and so I kindly told Justin to shut the hell up and go to bed and he did. So then what happens?! Ezekiel knocks on the door at 4am and asks her if his aura can speak German! Then she went into this long conversation about how auras can't speak at all. She's lucky we aren't playing a game! She would be the first to go! _

_Thanks for being so accepting and letting me do whatever I want to win, _

_Heather. _

_P.S. Tell my Brothers and Sisters to stop selling my stuff online and actually do something other then try to get famous by being related to me! I know I'm the most successful kid in the family but they need to get their own claim to fame! THIS SPOTLIGHT IS MINE! _


	8. Izzy

**Disclaimer****: Nothing from this show is mine. **

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Hi_ guys!, _

_Guess what?! I escaped that mental asylum you sent me to like 3 years ago and I've been living on this island that's deserted, well not really!...But it could be if I killed everyone else... So yeah, I'm on a TV show called Total Drama and I've been voted out and snuck back in SOOOOO many times and yeah, I just thought I would let you guys know that I'm going to come back and kill you in the middle of the night while everyone is sleeping! It's going to be so fun! I'll bring a gun and you guys will be like 'ahhhhhh' and I'll pull the trigger and laugh and be like 'Boom Boom! That was fun!' yeah, I thought about this for such a long time! I bet you never though you would see me again! You thought wrong! E-scope always strikes when you least expect it! hahahahahahahhahahahaha! _

_So enough about how you guys sent me away to a nut house and I escaped and now plan to kill you, Let's talk about my life here with everyone I have met! There is Owen who is my ex-boyfriend and when I kill you he can eat your bodies! Duncan who I have had sex with against his will and when he screamed too much, I bit him because he deserved it. I'm planning on nabbing Alejandro next! I just want him to scream so I can yell at him in Spanish! Oh yeah, Then there is Noah who got me pregnant, but he doesn't know yet, I did that while he was sleeping! Why Noah? because he's smart and I'm crazy so that's like the perfect combination to a serial killer! why do they call them S-E-R-I-A-L- killers? a Cereal killer would be sooo much cooler! I tried to kill some cereal once but Chef hatchet stopped me, so I'm planning on killing him too. _

_What did I do last week? I turned the pool water red with dye to make it look like blood...Fun times! I told Heather that Cameron stole her panties when I actually did it and she punched him like dead in the mouth. IT WAS SO COOOOLLLL. Oh yeah, I asked Chris out on a date because it seemed to work well for Heather he told me he didn't want to 'literally fuck with crazy' and I have no clue what that even means because between you and me, Chris is kinda loco. _

_So yeah, Last night while I was drilling a hole in the wall to spy on Leshawna I accidentally got the wrong room and I bumped into Trent instead as he saw me drilling a hole in his wall, He waved at me and then continued to talk to himself about asking Gwen to dump Duncan and become the queen of 9 and everyon thought I was the nutty one HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! You should meet Trent. Maybe instead of getting pregnant by Noah I should have went with Trent...It would have been cool to see how those kids turned out! I would love to try to find names with 9 letters and let him name the kid and then I would give the kid a nickname with only 6 letters and he would freak out! That's definitely on my list! _

_Well I gotta now! _

_Always, _

_Izzy! _

_P.S. This note is going to self destruct...for real...I hope you opened this letter in the house! That would be soooo funny!_

* * *

**Next chapter is Chapter 9 and you know what that means right? ;) **


	9. Trent

**Disclaimer: I don't own the show in any way at all.**

A/N: I heard this is going to be a drinking game by two of my reviewers? I sure as hell hope so! I can guarantee you'll be drunk by the time you're finished reading. As for everyone else who is underage of does not drink you can still play too! Get a glass and fill it with soda and take a mouthful every time Trent mentions nine in this letter! You'll all be drunk and/or needing to pee badly.

* * *

_Dear Mom and Dad, _

_It's me Trenttttt! Yes, you read it correctly! As non believers of the ninth religion you assholes gave me a name with only 5 letters and this makes the ninth god very upset, So from now on I will be Trenttttt and you can pronounce it like you would if you were standing in the freezing arctic in -9 degree weather with your teeth chattering. _

_So, Chris is making me write a letter to you guys, I wanted to write you nine letters but Chris told me I was only allowed to send one, So I just plan to make 9 copies and rip them into 9 pieces and then burn those pieces 9 times. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that I stopped taking those stupid pills the doctor put me on that you insisted I take with me! Why did I stop taking them? Because the doctor told me I had to take the pills 3 times a day and I wanted to take them 9 times! So, I took them 9 times anyway and I overdosed for awhile in season 1 and I was stuck in the infirmary for 9 days so it all worked out and I just stopped taking the meds, I think I'm doing so much better without them. _

_Let me tell you about my life here at playa des losers! I live in room 9 because I prayed to the mighty god of nine to give me this room! He told me I should kill Harold because that lazy, disgusting Harold got MY room number! This was a horrible day for me! I begged Harold to trade rooms with me but he didn't want to do it, So I did what any rational person would do and I broke into the tool shed on the island and found an axe and a saw and some screw drivers and simply removed the door from Harold's doorway and put it in my doorway where it should have been! Harold complained about it the whole time so I just locked him in the bathroom in the hallway. Then I was minding my own business after I stole Harold's door and he went and got a permanent marker and drew a 9 on his door! So I prayed to the mighty god of nine to allow something horrible to happen to him nine times and it did! Harold lost his swim trunks in the pool in front of everyone! THANK YOU GOD OF NINE! _

_I'm also planning on making my move on Cody! I have given him candy 7 times already once I give him candy 2 more times that means I have given him candy 9 times and it means he accepts my request to fuck him 9 times from that point on! I've been courting Cody and once he takes candy from me 9 times it means that I get to sneak into the showers with him and take him right there at that moment! I'm so excited, He would be the 9th person I slept with on this show too! And I'm super excited about this! The last batch of candy is going to be drugged with a lovely cocktail for 9 types of sleeping pills that will knock him out so I can have him for a whole nine minutes! _

_Oh Yeah, Did you guys watch season 4? I studied it and watched it 9 times and realized that Mike and Zoey are a couple! I'm currently trying to get them to become swingers with me! Why them might you ask? Trent (My old spelling of my name) and Zoey= 9 letters total! and Mike and Trent (Again, the old way of spelling it!) is also 9 so if I can make a love triangle it would be perfect! Trenttttt/Mike/Zoey make 3 people and 3x3x3=9 so our love triangle would be a PERFECT 9 and I must achieve this and then the god of Nine will surely realize how worthy I am! _

_Oh yeah, Let's talk about the people I hate on this island, COURTNEY! She keeps asking me out! This bitch even tried asking me 9 times and I told her no every single time. Doesn't she realize Trentttt+Courtney do NOT equal nine in any way? That's why it can't happen. She was all 'Trent, why can't you write me a love song!' and I told her 9 times for 9 minutes each why I can't and won't write her a song! So far I have written songs for Gwen, Owen, Zoey, Mike, Izzy, Noah, Cody, Dawn and Chef and the only reason they have gotten love songs from me is because if you spell Trent (The way I hate! Damn you 5 letter name!) with any of those people you will make 9 and if you and I can't make 9 together then it just won't work out and Courtney just doesn't seem to get this! If she keeps this up, I may just drown her in the lake. _

_Let me tell you about Duncan, I should hate him, I know I should because he dislikes 9! In fact his favorite number is 23 and he even told me this! As you can see there is no 9 ANYWHERE in the number 23 and yet, I'm slightly attracted to him almost as much as I am Cody. I really wish he would pierce his nipples again, He already pierced his nose, eyebrow, tongue, penis and his ears have gages in them! That's 7 if he would re-pierce both his nipples he would have 9 piercings again and that would be really sexy! Then He and I could get 9 bottles of chocolate syrup and sneak up on Cody at 9pm and pour it all over him as we make out with him and create Truncody! Yeah, the fans would really like that, I only have one problem with that! Well actually two. Duncan isn't gay and Cody may or may not be but he's really shy! I pray to the ninth god that he will come around soon. _

_Another thing that sucks about this place is Chris gives us $100 a week to buy whatever we want and I have complained about this so many times! Why would he give everyone $100 dollars?! So I requested all of my money in ones and then I shred every single dollar except for $9.00 and then I'm usually broke within a day because I use that $9.00 to buy chocolate for Cody! It's really hard to manage money here! It seems like I'm the only one who has this issue! How the hell can everyone last on just $9.00?! I spend $5.00 on Cody's candy and the rest goes to do my laundry because Chris can't even give us free laundry services! HOW DOES THIS MAN EXPECT ME TO LIVE OFF $9.00 a week?! _

_You wouldn't believe how many whack jobs live here with me! Dawn gives Aura readings and Harold thinks he's a ninja, Tyler thinks he's good at sports, Heather sleeps with the host, Courtney is obsessed with me! I stalk Sierra while she stalks Cody because I want him to like me better, Owen eats everything at the buffet within 9 minutes or less! Gwen is always writing depressing poetry and DJ is still crying because he found out Chef hatchet is his father and that's the whole reason his mom sent him here! What a bunch of freaks! I'm glad I'm normal. _

_xoxoxoxoxoxo  
xoxoxoxoxoox  
xoxoxoxoxoxox  
xoxoxooxoxoxox  
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox  
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox  
xoxoxoxoxoxooxox  
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo  
xoxoxoxooxoxoxox_

_Your Son, _

_Trenttttt_

* * *

**Hope everyone is Drunk or ready to piss their pants from drinking a lot! Either way, I actually was going to hold off on Trent but, It was Chapter 9 and I knew it HAD to be his chapter! I wouldn't feel right giving him any other chapter! He did mention DJ though, Which is a big spoiler to what DJ is gonna be sayin' to mama! Although he may not be the next chapter, It's still my plan for DJ.**

Also There are 9 lines of Xoxoxo's ;) 


	10. Justin

**Disclaimer: I don't own Total Drama!**

* * *

_Dear Lance, _

_I really hate you! Seriously, So I'm devoting my whole letter to you! Chris told me I had to write a letter to my family and I figured you would be the perfect person to write to since this is YOUR fault I'm stuck in this hell hole in CANADA! _

_In case you haven't figured it out by now Lance, It's your younger brother Justin! How are you enjoying that modeling gig in LA? Ya know? The one that was supposed to be mine! The one I was going to take until you tricked me and told me I should come on this show and in exchange for it they would give me free hair products and free promotional advertising that would get me even more gigs in the future?! Well it's been 2 years and guess what! I'm stuck here! Literally! This place is like prison! When I signed that stupid contract with Chris Mclean I knew I was going to be on reality TV but I didn't realize that in these two years, I would go from a smokin' hot 10 to a disgusting ugly 7 on that hotness meter! But I'm sure you knew that I would be forced to stay here when you handed me the brochure! I'm sure you knew that this place would be the worst place on the planet! I think you had this planned for years to get me out of the picture! Just like I found out two weeks after I left you stole my girlfriend Caroline! I can't believe my own brother would do this to me! Seriously, I would NEVER do this to you!...Well maybe I would do this to you but only if I wanted your car or hair gel or something..._

_So, Let me tell you what my life has become aside from being ugly because of you! Not only have I been forced to hang out with complete idiots who are 1's and 2's on the hotness scale but they actually think they can associate with me! Sadly, after 2 years of not seeing any one else other than ugly people I forced myself to associate with them. I usually end up waking up around 6am because these people are constantly waking me up! Do you know what it's like to get woken up by Chef Hatchet at 6am pounding on your door because Geoff wanted to have a cook out INSIDE on a rainy morning and started a fire in the hallway at 6am?! I DO! How about when you're taking a shower and Sierra comes bursting through the door because she thinks Cody is hiding in there? I know what it's like! She dumped out all my shampoo to look for Cody in the bottle! Why would he be there?! He couldn't even fit! Did I mention that my room is across the hall from DJ's and he decided to cry for hours and hours and hours! I have no idea why! _

_I'm also going to tell you about my creepy stalker! His name is Owen and it's NOT cute or flattering! I don't know if he thinks I'm his friend, which I'm NOT or his boyfriend which I'm NOT because I'm not gay! but in the past 2 years this guy has followed me everywhere! During the show and here! He tries to eat breakfast with me! He tries to play pool with me! He tries to pick up ugly girls with me! He tries to exchange room keys with me and he has tried at least 4 times in the past two years to take a shower with me! This is what you have done to my life, Lance! You have given me a fucking creepy stalker! Cody should stop complaining about Sierra, at least she's not obese and gassy! At least Cody has CLEAN air! My air is polluted by Owen at least twice a day! I would trade creepers with Cody any day! _

_The only thing I can think of that is worse than Owen would be Katie and Sadie squealing like morons at every little thing! When those two team up with Trent everyone else goes into their rooms and puts in headphones to drown out the obnoxious music that they play! You see for some strange reason Katie and Sadie are attracted to Trent, which he only talks to them because they do whatever they say and he convinced them to join some weird religion about the number 9! Trent is a freak with two desperate girls who treat him like he is some kind of king! Which he apparently thinks he's the king of 9 or something like that! So Trent plays the spice girls CD 9 times every single day! I have no clue where he got a CD from a band that old and why he likes them but the 3 of them will play that CD 9 times EVERY day and sing along badly! EARTH TO TRENT IT'S NOT 1997 ANYMORE! This also explains why Sadie, Katie and Trent were not chosen to sing in season 3. I chose not to do it for the simple fact that Owen was there! That's my new rule to life! If Owen is there, I'm not going. _

_The good news is, I managed to find another girlfriend around here! Someone who hates everyone just as much as I do. Granted, she's no Caroline but at least she understands the needs I have to look good. Her name is Anne Maria and she loves Hairspray and tanning! She and I have been going tanning almost every day since she arrived here! If I end up stuck here for the rest of my life I would probably marry her as she is the only girl here who cares about her looks as much as I care about mine. _

_I'm broke right now, Lance! I spent all my money buying hair products on the internet! However I never lose hope that one day my contract will expire! I spend days looking at my contract finding ways to get out of it! One day Lance, I'm going to see you again and when I do, I can promise you that I'm going to get payback on you for this! Remember the plan we had? We were supposed to become models together and marry really hot supermodels and get invited to the playboy mansion! We both could have done that but NO! you had to get jealous and greedy and steal my first solo modeling gig! One day Lance, I'm going to get payback on you! You are really going to regret screwing me over! _

_Hope your career bombs, _

_Justin._

* * *

**There ya go! That's how Justin got there! His brother tricked him and now he can't get out of the contract! This makes Justin the first contestant to not write an angry letter to his parents. I can see Justin being foolish enough to sign a contract in another country where his parents can't help him. I don't know if Justin has a brother but If he did I can imagine him and Justin being "Bros" and then having a jealous modeling rivalry and trying to screw each other over. I'm picturing his brother maybe a year or 2 older. That was my take on it! Justin doesn't seem like he would have douchey parents...I picture him living a rich kind of life style being super popular and having everything handed to him which would make him the way he is on the show. **

**I'm either going to do Sierra or Noah next and then I'm thinking Lightning. **


	11. Noah

**Disclaimer: If I own Total Drama is would be very twisted...**

* * *

_Dear Mom and Dad, _

_I'm writing this letter because I am forced to do so due to my contract, Please don't think this means I care about you guys or the rest of the 'Litter of puppies' that we shall call my brothers and sisters because I don't. My life isn't the best here, However when you are the oldest of 9 children, having to deal with these nimrods isn't all that bad. As you can imagine, I'm doing well on my own and am working hard to further my education in this shit hole that I am being housed in. I don't hate you for sending me here at all, I just hate the fact you couldn't stop at 2 or 3 kids! Dad, do you know what a condom is? _

_Seriously though, I'm fine. I love living here on my own, It's like a paradise in its own strange little way. I've learned that I am Bi sexual and being as you have 8 other children, you can easily have grandkids so it should not matter to you if I decide to date a guy or a girl. I figured I would tell you this now, rather than not see you for 10 years and swing by to tell you that I married a man and we adopted 2 kids. Either was it shouldn't surprise you, Sibling number 3 already knew this about me and so did Sibling number 5 and they are perfectly happy with my choices. Do you even know which ones 3 and 5 are? I'm willing to place money bets you don't because you are either A) Too busy working or B) Too busy screwing around adding to that 'Litter' I mentioned earlier. So many siblings do I have now? 10? 13? 17? _

_So my living arrangements aren't too bad here! I really would love to have a sexual relationship with Cody, However he doesn't seem to want to talk about this and Izzy made it worse. Cody would be a fine sexual partner, Judging by the size pants he wears I would say that his penis would be the perfect size for me, I think it may be too creepy to tell the guys I can tell how big they are. My first experience with a man here was with Trent and he was quite frankly ecstatic when I told him that including me, I had 9 siblings and that Trent+Noah=9 letters! Yeah, I bet you wouldn't get that. Trent isn't that good at it though, to be honest I don't think he knows how to kiss very well, when he tried to make out with me it was like having a dog drool all over your face. I've recently started dating Izzy and she told me that she was willing to have an open relationship with Cody/myself and her, So you guys always told me I should try new things! I think it could be fun...Yeah, I'm saying too much personal things right now, Aren't I? I'll stop that part there. _

_I get $100 a week to buy whatever I want so you don't need to worry about money, I buy books online all the time! I was reading a book this one time and for no reason, Heather walked up to me, grabbed my book and threw it in a fire pit that Geoff made! Who does that? Should I really be surprised Heather would do something like that? Absolutely not. So then I bought another copy of that book because I really wanted to finish reading it and that's when Owen ran out of toilet paper...Can you guess what he used? Needless to say, I didn't finish the book. _

_I met this girl Dawn and I really can't stand her! Everyone thinks we would be cute together, I disagree! She makes no sense at all and is constantly telling me and everyone else here she can read their auras, if I believed in that crap, I would have to question my sanity! Hell I lost most of my sanity when I agreed to be Izzy's boyfriend and I lost the remainder of the small bit I had left when I decided to ask Cody if he wants to date both of us! This of course was all Izzy's idea, The things you do for love, right mom? Who would have ever thought I would have went for a girl like Izzy and a guy like Cody? If you would have asked me what I would be doing with my life 3 years ago, I wouldn't be telling you I would be some bi sexual weirdo who has a girlfriend who likes to swing from trees and escaped a mental ward. But, I love her and I think I may love Cody too? I'm honestly not sure! I'm confused as hell, none of this makes any sense in my head and I'm constantly telling myself to just say no to Izzy and Cody isn't hot! Yet, I'm losing this battle. _

_At this time, I hope you can accept me for who I am, As much as I tried to be normal, I find it hard to be when you spend years around them, you become like them. Owen is my best friend, Don't ask how that happened, He drives me crazy but I would do anything for that big oaf, I used to always give him my piece of cherry pie at camp when he wanted extra dessert. _

_Some people just think I'm a sarcastic asshole, They would be right. I do have feeling that I show to very few people. I find myself loving this place, I'm actually glad they allowed me to stay here. I would never admit to any of them how much I would miss them, I've gotten accustomed to them and their annoying habits. My day is not complete without Courtney threatening to sue me, Or to show Lindsay how to properly use the elevator, If Trent didn't write me a long song at least once a month, I would honestly be disappointed because he may be a horrible kisser and a weird freak but, I've attached myself to these people. If I went a day without seeing Bridgette and Geoff make out in the hot tub, my day would honestly not be the same, They think I don't pay attention to them, but I can tell you ever single person's favorite color! I can tell you that DJ hates Swiss cheese and Heather and Alejandro fight constantly about what they want to eat for lunch! I can tell you that Cody tries to tan to impress Gwen and that Gwen dyes her hair every week to avoid getting roots. It may sound really creepy but I've come to call these people my family. Please don't take offense to that, Mom and Dad, know that I do care about you, I'm just trying to live my life and find a place in this world, I never regretted signing up for this and even though I would never admit this to Chris or anyone else, I'd stay here with them forever! I know they all want to go home but I see this as my home. _

_Thanks mom and dad for understanding why I needed to leave, Thanks for understanding that I just couldn't deal with living with all those kids, I just needed to do my own thing and I am grateful to have you guys as parents, I know you'll accept me no matter how much of a sarcastic asshole I can be and how I always act like I don't care! Maybe I will write more, Maybe one day I'll let you meet Izzy and Cody. _

_Right now I'm still doing my school work so I can graduate and go to college, I'm doing well on my own and I don't think I'd want it any other way. You know that I've always been a loner anyway. and Yes, I do call and text my siblings and I could never forget about them, I just don't want to be near them 24/7. I find myself loving them more when I'm away from them. _

_Best Wishes, _

_Child number 1, _

_A.K.A._ Noah.

* * *

**So, I'm sure that's not what you were expecting with Noah, But my vision for him was more along the lines of he's a sarcastic asshole who gets straight to the point but halfway through his letter he realizes he does care about his family and he's grateful for the freedom they gave him and that he actually pays attention and even likes the others from the show but that he won't ever tell them that. I think it's more of a confessional note to his parents that he is doing fine and they shouldn't worry. **


	12. DJ

**Disclaimer: I don't own this and I have many issues so this chapter is going to be written randomly now at 2:31am and I'll post the end time after I finish...Yeah, I predict that the total drama fandom would be embarrassed if I own it and I would lose all the voice actors...**

* * *

_Dear Momma, _

_I'm sorry to have to tell you this but I'm not very happy with you right now! I mean I always thought I was a good boy and I did everything you told me! Then I find out when I get here that Chef is my father! I don't know if I should be super excited about this because I actually have one parent that still has contact with me, unlike everyone else on this show or if I should be disappointed that you never planned on telling me!__This has got to be the worst family secret ever! I didn't even find out from him! No, I found out from Chris who only knew that because he got drunk and screwed around with Chris! So, my father is a scary gay man with an alcohol problem and a criminal record who can't cook! My life is officially over and all my friends I met at the children's Christian camp will never let me live this down!...Or talk to me ever again!_

_Let's start off with how when I confronted him about this he told me I had to keep this secret or he would beat my ass! That is the worst introduction to an even worse family secret! I guess I can understand why you wouldn't tell me! Next he agreed to talk about it with me, but only if I left him use my shower and take a shower with me because 'Chris is a cheap bastard who won't install proper plumbing!' and something like that...So I kept it a secret and I only told my two friends, Katie and Sadie and then they told Trent 'The holy leader of 9' who then told everyone else! I only told got Trent involved because he told me he was a minister at the church of 9 and that it would be a secret and he wouldn't tell anyone! How was I supposed to know he would write it into a song and tell everyone?! _

_So yeah, I have daddy issues right now, Momma! I would appreciate it if you would return my calls, texts, emails, letters, skype calls, facebook requests, myspace requests or at least answer my comments on your youtube channel! I would really like to talk to you about this! I think this is a serious issue that should be addressed. Daddy Chef won't answer the door either! I mean, I haven't seen him in 2 weeks! I think he's avoiding me ever since he made this awkward joke about dropping soap..._

_So, my life since I got here and realized how horrible it would be! This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Trent has stolen at least $500 dollars from me in the past two years! I have now realized that he is not actually donating this to the 'Save the hamsters' foundation ever since Zoey told me it didn't exist. Geoff is always partying and everyone is drunk and making regrettable mistakes! I think we need to have an intervention for Heather! She's been having sex! I'm pretty sure Gwen and Duncan and Bridgette and Geoff are doing the same. Let's talk about how Izzy decided to give me as a gift to Sam for his Birthday! Who gives a person as a gift?! I have never spoken to this Sam guy the whole time he's been here! We aren't even friends. _

_Last night, I was crying because Chef is my dad and he's an asshole and Courtney banged on my door and started screaming at me to stop crying so loudly and then that just made me more upset! Scott and Heather teamed up and hung signs up with missing signs! 'Have you seen Chef: if found, please return to his son' and everyone laughed even more. Also, Staci has been trying to sell me girl scout cookies that her great great great aunt Bertha invented, She told me I would get my cookies in 3 weeks and it's been a month! I spent over $75 dollars on those and I don't think I'm ever going to get those cookies. Harold knocked on my door at 3am and asked me if he could borrow my slippers and I never got those back! This is the second time that has happened. That girl Dawn just scares me with her aura reading thingys! I'm avoiding her with a 10 foot pole. _

_So yeah, I think I'm going to ask Chef to allow me to move into his room! I'm his son after all and I'm only 16 so he should really try to be a better father! Maybe pay some child support and join the Christian church with us and help you open up a restaurant! Momma, I think you should move here to with me so then you and my dad can be together and help me to stop getting my money stolen..._

_Maybe Daddy Chef is right and I need to grow a back bone. _

_Hopefully someone replies to this! I want a normal family! _

_=( _

_DJ._

* * *

**Okay, so it took me until about 5:40am to finish. That was only because I decided to listen to music and talk to someone online while writing this. In all actuality it took me maybe 45 minutes. **


	13. Sierra

**Disclaimer: I still don't own the show.**

* * *

_O-M-G Hi Mom, _

_So, it's been almost 8 months since I saw you! I think that's a record since almost everyone here has deadbeat parents anyway. So I'm writing this letter because Chris is forcing everyone to do this and I think I'm the only one who is going to get a response! So, I wanted to say thank you for allowing me to be on this show regardless of what our therapists may think! I think you may the right choice and I think you'll be happy to see the naked pictures of Chris I included in this letter for you! I did give him your phone number and show him a picture of you and then he looked at me and looked at your picture and looked at me again and then ripped up the picture and then he asked me if we were anything alike and I was like 'Totally!' and Chris was like 'I don't stick my dick in crazy.' _

_So, enough about your romance let me tell you about mine! Since I've been here I have formed this amazing romance with Cody! He just didn't come to accept this yet...But don't worry mom! Much like your plan to drug, rape and marry Chris I have similar plans for Cody! You'll have at least 5 grandchildren from us in the next 3 years! I know this because that creepy girl Dawn told me so when I woke her up at 4:20am this morning and demanded she do one! Then when I didn't like the results of the first one I made her change my future and it totally worked! 5 grandkids, mom! isn't that great? _

_Now, I'm going to tell you about the one person I cannot stand with a passion! Well first there is Izzy and Noah and then there's Gwen...Okay, so I hate a lot of people who love Cody! But this asshole takes the fucking cake! Literally! TRENT STOLE MY CAKE THAT I MADE FOR CODY! Is the world really that sad that you can't even make the future father of your children a cake to convince him to start having kids with you without someone stealing it? I left my cake to cool right? It was chocolate and I spent 6 hours slaving over that cake! Guess what happened? Trent came into the kitchen and cut my cake into NINE stupid little pieces and then offered it TO CODY! saying that he made it! So what happens next? Trent invited Cody to eat this cake in HIS room and locked the door! Poor Cody obviously accepted this because he needs his daily dose of sugar and Trent just did that to get Cody to do whatever he wants! I'm going to seriously hurt Trent! He already has some weird cult devoted to a number! HE CAN'T HAVE CODY TOO! WHY CAN'T HE JUST HAVE A THREESOME WITH KATIE AND SADIE!? THE ONLY TWO PEOPLE HERE WHO ACTUALLY LIKE TRENT?! Better yet? Why can't Trent just drug Gwen and win her back? I'd be happy to take care of that issue...With Gwen and Trent back together, I could have Cody! Then Duncan will be so upset that he'll run back to Courtney and then Courtney will stop trying to be a slut and throw herself at Alejandro and then Heather and Alejandro can live happily ever after and in return for this, they can help me get Noah and Izzy together so then I can have Cody without any of these people ruining it! _

_EVERYONE WINS! EXCEPT GWEN WHO DESERVES TO ROT IN HELL WITH TRENT, THAT 9 LOVING HOMOSEXUAL! _

_Oh yeah, I made friends with Dakota because she is dating someone who is not Cody. _

_Chef also made Ravioli last Tuesday night, It was pretty good. _

_DJ is kinda mad at me because I posted on my blogs about Chef being his dad, it just made him cry...like a lot. People are mad at me for making DJ cry, especially the people who live next door to him. Chef threatened to poison Cody because of what I did, so I'm not letting Cody eat any of Chef's cooking! _

_Ya know mom? You would think that Chris would clean the pool right? wrong! He only cleans it when we are actually filming there, which is like once a season. I refuse to allow Cody to swim in that water or even go near it! I have a very hard time with that though, due to the fact that Gwen, Trent, Duncan, Owen, Harold, Leshawna, Bridgette, Geoff, Lindsay, Tyler, Beth, Anne Maria and B all decided it was 'Cool' to hang out at the scummy pool that hasn't been cleaned in a LONG time. The water actually turned black at one point and that's when Duncan decided it was 'cool' Noah said it was potentially dangerous to go near...Maybe I should push him in..._

_Well I'm going to go get a crow bar and have my way with Trent's door! _

_Lots of love,_

_~Sierra~_


	14. Dawn

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything from the show.**

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_Hello Mother and Father, _

_I wanted to write to you and inform you about how I have been doing since you have kicked me out due to my unique abilities that I think you should try to be more understanding of. I have decided to join a reality show so I would have some place to sleep because living on the streets is dangerous. _

_I only wish you would see that my ability to read auras is a gift and not a curse! I assure you that I will only use my powers for good and I hope you let me come home soon. Until you realize how unreasonable you two have become I will be here on a reality show because I'm only 15 years old and can't legally get a job anywhere to afford an apartment! I have gotten at least 2 offers to become a prostitute but that is against everything I stand for and I still have morals. _

_Let me tell how my life has been since I've been forced to survive on my own. I guess you could say Chris was kind enough to take me in. That's the nice way of putting it! I signed this contract with him that would make a deal with Satan sound pleasant. He gave me a tiny room that's maybe a slight upgrade from what you would find in a juvenile detention facility. He also shoved me in the only room he had left that was next to Heather who didn't really didn't like my instant and unwanted popularity because of my gift that I was given that I did not ask for that makes me different then everyone else! Everyone of course wanted their futures told and I had to lie to at least 3 people to prevent them being upset with me!_

_I also have a boyfriend...Well kinda? I actually had an unwanted one night stand well two...One was with Izzy when she broke my door down and one was with Duncan when he climbed through that window in my room that really didn't close or lock all that well. I did try to report this incident to Chris and asked that they disqualify them from future competitions and all he told me was "Welcome to Total Drama!" and "If you don't get pregnant by season 7 you'll be lucky." I had no clue what that even meant and so I found out from Courtney who is some possible lawyer who didn't graduate law school or something! She told me that by signing this contract I gave Chris my full rights until I'm 18 and that she only had 2 seasons left until she was free...I'm very concerned! Surely you can't be that petrified of my special gift that you're willing to allow this to happen to me! I'm sure when you get this letter you'll send money to get me out of here. _

_I also found out that most of the boys here are rude! Not to mention the girls here aren't exactly friendly. The only friends I have really made here would be Cameron, Brick, B, DJ and this sweet and wonderful boy named Ezekiel. He and I became the best of friends! In fact I started a book club with him and B and so far I think it's rather successful! They accept my abilities! _

_So, about the life I'm living here. I'm really starting to think that I may have been better off on the streets. I do however miss you terribly and hope that you feel the same way. I'm willing to go to therapy to try to get rid of this curse of a gift I have if you'd be willing to let me come back home and get off this show! I'm the youngest one here and the walls are paper thin! I'm just a sheltered little girl who is scared of everyone else here and just wants her mommy and daddy who refuse to accept her to the point she cracks and breaks down and cries! The closest thing I have to a parent here is Chris! I don't think it even counts! he just told me I could call him "Daddy" and I think he and I have different views on that term! _

_I'm serious mom and dad, I don't know how much longer I can take this! I don't want to be one of these people! You think I'm some kind of freak?! If you come here you'll find I'm most likely the most normal person you have ever met! I feel like I'm on the slave market or something! Yet, I'm the one who has to sit here and pretend she is calm and pleasant ALL the time around here! _

_Please send help soon! I'm willing to even pretend I don't have these abilities if you just consider allowing me to come home. Seriously, we can pretend this whole thing never happened. I'm good with pretending the last 3 years of my life never happened. _

_Love always your ex daughter,_

_Dawn. _


	15. LeShawna

**Disclaimer: Nothing from this show is mine.**

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_Hey Mama, _

_It's me LeShawna! How is everything back at home? I'm trying really hard to win this money for the family I just wanted to let you know that. I'm not gonna come home until I win us that money! Look Mama, I know I'm the oldest of 7 kids and I would love nothing more than to be home with you and take care of them, However I made a promise to you when I was only 14 years old that I wouldn't come back until I had enough money to help the family and I've kept my promise! _

_Yeah, I haven't actually won the game, But every week Chris gives me $100 to buy whatever I want and I save it and send it all to you, at least that way you can pay the rent and bills and keep the family running, if daddy were still alive he would be really proud of us, Mama. _

_So, I'm going to apologize for not writing in a long time. I tried to do it but I've been really busy in challenges and doing stupid stuff Chris wants me to do, but we both know that everything comes with a price and sadly the price is doing whatever Chris Mclean asks me to do and deal with these idiots that I would never hang out with in a million years! Once I turn 18 and my contract ends, I'm done with this show! I'll just come back home and work in the diner with you! If there is ever a reunion show, I'm not going! _

_So, I'm going to give you and everyone back at home the scoop about what's been going on here at the playa! This place is horrible. Paper thin walls where you can hear everyone's business! My room is right next door to Tyler's and he attempts to do cartwheels and extreme sports in his room! That boy needs to understand that if he hasn't been able to do any of that stuff in 2 years in that room that he should just give up by now! He's constantly having things fall over in his room! All I hear is 'Ouch!' every 5 minutes followed by 'I'm okaayyy!' which he should know by now that nobody actually cares if he's okay or not! When you hear things falling down every 5 minutes for 2 years you eventually stop caring. _

_Okay, so Mama you have been watching the show right? Well I'm crushing on someone and I've really liked him for years and I'm dying to tell someone! How would you feel if I started dating Duncan? I mean you saw that chemistry we had in season 2 right? That boy is fine and he should be mine! He needs to dump Gwen and Courtney and have a taste of chocolate! I know it would break Harold's heart but I don't actually care...Is that mean to say? I of course won't tell anyone about this crush I have on Duncan because then it would be complicated. Gwen ruined everything! I've been trying to hook up with Duncan since season 2 and I had to get Courtney out of the way! I had them to the point where they were fighting all the time! Season 3 they looked like they were going to split then...Gwen! She used to be my friend and she has no clue she is on my shit list! Gwen is going down along with Courtney! If both of them just ended up dead or severely injured then Duncan would need someone to be there for him and that girl is gonna be me! I've been planning for awhile. _

_So, to kill some time I recently bought Sierra's old binoculars off of her so I could use them to watch Gwen and Duncan make out and I wish it was me instead. The only difference between Sierra and me is that he would love me and I don't openly stalk him! I just check out his twitter and facebook pages a few times a day. Yesterday, I was on my way down to get breakfast and as I was getting off the elevator Duncan was getting on it! Do you know what he said to me Mama? He said 'Yo Leshawna, Stay away from the eggs this morning, They're kinda watery and they made me puke' He cared enough to tell me to stay away from the eggs! He cares about me! If he didn't he would have just left me eat the eggs and I would have been sick! But thanks to Duncan, Those watery eggs did not touch this girls plate. So, when this show is over I plan on bringing him home to meet you! He sells weed and could easily make $1,000 a day Mama! He's also secretly a sweetheart! Yes, I used Courtney and got her to tell me. He still sleeps with his Teddy bear and he loves plants and he anonymously donates to a Recycling center every year. _

_Oh yeah, Let me tell you about how this place really is the second they turn the cameras off! You wouldn't believe how many people are feuding! Owen is currently feuding with Alejandro over the fact that Alejandro grabbed the last pudding cup when Owen wanted it! Alejandro argued the point that Owen already had 5 and this was only his second. They have been yelling at each other for the past 2 days about that. Cameron is feuding with Bridgette because she accidentally deleted something he wanted to watch and it was apparently the season finale and Harold is feuding with Lindsay because she drew a flower on an IQ test answer sheet and scored higher than Harold who thinks that is really unfair! I agree with Harold that it is unfair but then again, I'm not a teacher or a host who is authorized to give the test. Yep. Apparently Lindsay is the smartest person here by 100% accident and stupidity. _

_That's really all I want to talk about Mama. I hope to see you soon and if I have my way, Duncan will be coming with me. _

_Love your baby girl,_

Leshawna.

* * *

**So yeah, I kinda wanted to make it so Leshawna is there to get the money to help her family and is actually really dedicated and just doesn't want to tell anyone that's why she's on the show. I honestly have no clue who is going to be next. I was going to actually do Lightning's but part of me is sitting here saying "Do I really want to write Sha at the beginning of every word? Do I really want that red squiggly line everywhere telling me I spelled a word wrong?" and then the idea of Lightning goes away briefly. I kinda wanna do Brick or Harold. I honestly have no clue who is going to be next. **


	16. Lightning

**Disclaimer: I don't own the show! It's too sane for me to own. **

_**A/N: My last 2 letters have been kinda sad. So I decided to completely let loose with this and make this as screwed up as possible. This letter won't make you guys feel bad at all.**_

* * *

_Yo Dad, _

_what's up with you Sha-turning my Sha-cellphone off?! I tried calling you after season 4 was Sha-over and I got told that my phone was shut off because someone didn't pay the Sha-bill! I'm the only one on this show who doesn't have a Sha-cell phone now! So, I've come to the Sha-conclusion that the only reason you even Sha-gested that I come on this show is so you can get rid of me and Sha-date really hot women!_

_So, this place you Sha-sent me, right? well everyone there is super Sha-annoying and nobody works out like I do except for this dude named Jo and he's always Sha-trying to date me! I really hate that guy! every time I tell him he's a dude, he lies! and everyone believes him! They'll be sorry when they wake up next to that dude one of these mornings and he has Sha-sex with them! That Jo guy gets all the Sha-girls too! He sleeps in the girls cabin during the show! I think he's a bisexual Sha-rapist and I reported this to Sha-Chris but that dude Jo has him Sha-fooled too! I'm the only one who knows that he's a boy! _

_So aside from that Sha-trickster Jo, I live across from this annoying guy named Sha-Geoff. I never even met him and I don't remember Sha-seeing him compete because I don't watch losers! So, I guess he didn't make it that far. I only ever remember the final 3 because who else is worth Sha-remembering? Anyway, he always has these Sha-parties in his room! and he always says dude way too much! So, when he went to Sha-breakfast yesterday I drew a penis on his door. That'll teach him! I also started a Sha-rumor that he was gay with that Jo guy! That'll teach them both! Sha-killing two birds with one stone! That'll Sha-teach both of those un-winning party loving homosexuals to blast music at 3am and lie about their Sha-genders!_

_Oh and let me tell you about Sha-Heather! All the guys wanna Sha-date her, Seriously! I don't know how you can even talk to her! She's like a legend here at Total Drama and I tried to talk to her 6 times and each time went Sha-horrible! _

_1. The first time I tried she pushed me in the Sha-pool. _

_2. The second time she told me she refused to talk to me because of the way I talk! What's she Sha-talkin about? _

_3. She told me she doesn't like me because I ate the last of her fat free vanilla Sha-yogurt! I didn't even Sha-touch it! _

_4. She told me she couldn't talk to me because I have 9 letter's in my name and if Sha-Trent knew I was talking to her he would kill her! I don't even sha-know who Sha-Trent Sha-is! _

_5. She told me that I was a Sha-loser and didn't actually win the game and she could only associate with people who actually Sha-won._

_6. She was hiding in the kitchen from Sha-Justin because she stole his Sha-tan in a Sha-can. _

_None of those were good reasons to not talk to me! I mean she's the only one I would consider Sha-talking to! Not because she's a girl but because she actually won technically and made it to the final 3 multiple times! _

_So, yeah! Just send me some Sha-money so I can get home and not be stuck here with Jo! I really hate that guy! _

_That guy who really hates Jo, _

_Sha-Lightning!_

_P.S. Can you send a nightlight I hate the Sha-thunder and ironically the lightning..._

* * *

**I felt that was good. I'm not really a fan of Lightning and find it hard to actually write him in a serious manner so he needs to be arrogant and stupid. Next? I'm doing Harold or Alejandro. **


	17. Harold

**Disclaimer: Nada.**

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_Dear mom and Dad, _

_Curse you for not doing your research when you signed me up for this show, Idiots! Now I'm stuck here with a pack of complete idiots. I just wanted to inform you that if you have been watching this show at all that it does NOT look anything at all like the brochure! Did you guys forget to get your glasses checked? Or maybe you just don't have the money to send me home, either way! It's apparent that I'm the smartest person on this show and in the family! _

_First of all, there is a hot tub but it belongs to Chris and I've tried to use it at least 5 times and each time he tells me 'Hot girls only' yet he never invites Leshawna! Only Heather and Courtney! Curse Chris's ability to see true beauty! He's clearly the biggest moron on this show because he invites Heather to play every season! There is not a buffet here either, there is also not a luxurious bed for everyone and the pool is contaminated and the water is disgusting. It's been almost 5 seasons and I'm really starting to get suspicious that Chris may have lied to us about those nice things..._

_Another thing I seriously hate about everyone here is they don't respect my mad skills! I have amazing Yo-Yoing skills and yet nobody ever wants to watch! I also have these really good frozen yogurt skills that nobody wants to try! Yet, Lindsay made everyone yogurt and they all got food poisoning! It serves them right for not understanding that my yogurt was obviously superior to hers, Idiots! _

_Noah thinks he's so smart, yet he doesn't know nearly as many facts about Japan and Egypt like I do! In world tour Noah thought he was so cool. He wasn't. He stole my mad skills! Alejandro also tried to steal Leshawna from me in world tour! Curse his smooth flirting skills! To get back at him I tried to flirt with Heather but she shot me down. Then Leshawna punched me in the face. I could have stopped her with my mad Karate skills but I love her to much to hurt her. _

_Oh yeah, I don't like how my luscious Leshawna always defends Duncan! It's been like this ever since season 2. Duncan is still doing that horrible thing to my underwear! Only he's recruited even more idiots to help him! It's now Duncan, DJ, Geoff, Tyler, Noah, Justin, Scott, Alejandro and Chef Hatchet! That's just so wrong on so many levels! I don't think Chef should be allowed to boil my undies! He's a legal guardian over the age of 30 he should not be encouraging them! What a pack of morons! I partly blame mom for this because she sews my name in my undies all the time which makes it easier to know they're mine! So, I tried to write Alejandro's name in his undies and leave them on the floor so they would pick on him and leave me alone...It didn't work. Leshawna always encourages Duncan! Whenever he does this crap she laughs and so does Bridgette and Courtney! It's also unfair that Chef has keys and has access to my room! They read my man journal! My man journal is worse than Gwen's diary! Because I wrote my recipe for mango strawberry smoothies in there! If Duncan steals my recipe for mango strawberry smoothies I'm going to freak out! They just wants to use that recipe to impress my Leshawna! I'm not an idiot, I know what he's up to! _

_So for future mistakes, Don't be idiots mom and dad and then stuff like this won't happen! _

_The smartest person on this show,_

_Harold._

* * *

**Geoff or Scott? Cause I change my mind all the time...I'm thinking Geoff. Who's next? Also, I enjoyed writing Harold's letter. It was fun. I added Trent to the team of people Harassing Harold but then removed him because he's already irritating so many other people, Trent's a busy guy! **


	18. Geoff

**Disclaimer: Nada.**

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_Dear Mom and Dad, _

_Hey guys! How's it going? I haven't seen you guys in like forever! But it's cool, I've been here on Total Drama for like...5 seasons! I didn't do that well after season 1 but that's okay because I met Bridgette and she's really awesome! Plus, like at the playa is like a giant party all the time! Bridge and I take tons of pictures when we aren't making out! It's like a never ending dream! It's like this really awesome sitcom about all these people that are forced to live together! _

_Let me tell you about this awesome party I had yesterday morning! So, I woke up at 5am and I couldn't sleep and Chef hatchet doesn't serve breakfast until at least 6am! So, I decided that I would play my stereo in the spirit of having a really great morning! I just wanted to get the morning mood going, ya know? So, not even 5 minutes into my party, My really good friend Gwen starts pounding on the door! So, I opened the door and she's in her pajama's and she's saying something but I couldn't hear her because the music was so loud so I gave her two thumbs up and she flipped me off, I guess she didn't like that song..._

_So, my life at the playa is amazing! I don't even have time to run errands or anything like that because I'm a really busy guy always planning tomorrow's next big party! I don't have time to go shopping for food and stuff because I'm always planning parties and hanging out with Bridgette and Duncan. So I usually just borrow shampoo from Justin, Sierra, Heather and Tyler. I just never actually told them I borrowed the whole bottle and that I have no intention of giving it back. Yeah, I saved a ton of money by not actually buying shampoo! That just means that I have more money for my party fund! _

_Oh, yeah. So, Chris gives us money and one time this dude wouldn't give me any money for like 3 weeks! He said something about me paying a bunch of money for damage I caused at this Birthday party I threw for Lindsay. Chris can be such a party pooper! So the party may have caused some damage but everyone was fine! I replaced the 14 beach chairs I broke and Chef's grill...Courtney eventually got out of the hospital and Duncan convinced her not to sue! Oh, and Gwen eventually stopped beating me with a hockey stick! Oh, and Owen did get his stomach pumped after eating the piñata! So, I don't know why Chris made me pay all the bills and stuff for this! It was totally not my fault that everyone was so careless at the party! It's not like anyone died! Sometimes, Chris just overreacts! _

_Oh yeah, I have a question for you, Mom! Do you know how to do laundry? Because I really don't know how and I've been wearing the same clothes since season 1 and I'm too embarrassed to ask Bridgette because I'm afraid she'll dump me. So, normally I just try to stay in the hot tub for long periods of time and I shower twice a day, but I think people may start to notice soon, I have this mustard stain on my shirt and it's been there for like 4 months and I tried to scrub it out with hot water and it didn't work..._

_So yeah dudes! I can't wait to come home eventually so we can have this HUGE welcome home party! It'll be so awesome! Until then, I'll just be partying here with my total awesome girlfriend, Bridgette and my best friends ever Gwen and Duncan! I'm so glad they got together, now I get to hang out with Gwen even more! She's like the best partier ever! _

_Love always, _

_Geoff. _

_P.S. please send change of clothes and shampoo! _


	19. B

**Disclaimer: Nada.**

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_Dear Mom and Dad, _

_I'm as usual not fitting in. I don't get why these people won't give me a chance! The one person here who actually gets me is Dawn. Everyone else here just tells me I'm boring. Yesterday, I got picked by Geoff to be on his dodge ball team and he just called me 'That quiet guy' I think I'm a pretty funny and likeable guy! I'm the funniest guy I know too! That Owen dude sure tells some funny jokes. This one time I laughed at his joke and he said 'Bless you.' _

_You know what pisses me off? When we sit around the fire at night and it's my turn to tell a scary ghost story! They just stare at me for like 5 minutes and then someone rudely interrupts my story and just starts telling one of their stories! Who does that?! They are the rudest bunch of teenagers I have ever met! _

_I'd like to tell you that this is another activity to add to the list of things I can't do. Apparently being on a reality TV show isn't meant for me. Also, I was singing beautifully in the shower the other morning and Alejandro was there too and all these girls thought he was this amazing singer! Of course he took credit for it! Everyone always steals my ghost stories and musical talents! _

_The only one who actually talks to me is this girl Dawn and she's always so polite to me and they give her dirty looks for it! So, maybe I should just go home and try to find another job! I still can't believe they fired me! I was the best Drive-Thru guy! EVERRRRR! _

_People seriously take me for granted. _

_Your son, _

_B._

* * *

**So, I was aiming for the fact that he said nothing at all that he was confused as fuck as to why nobody would talk to him and just assumed they were all mind readers like Dawn and just being rude to him. B apparently also cannot understand why he got fired from the Drive-Thru...I think I'm going to try Zoey next. **


	20. Zoey

**Disclaimer: Nada.**

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_Dear Mom and Dad, _

_You guys are on my mind and I'm hoping I'm on yours! So, have you guys watched the season? Seriously, you guys haven't called and I was starting to wonder what happened back home. So, in case you haven't heard I have really amazing news! I have a life now! I have the most amazing friends ever and it feels so good to say that! _

_As you know by now, I'm living at the playa with everyone else and it's scary being around all these old contestants! I was star struck at first but I found out that they're all just normal people like me except for Ezekiel who is strange...Oh, and Owen who I think is gay...Dawn is kinda creepy too...Oh, and Heather did tell me that I have pretty hair and then offered me a haircut. Yeah, Trent is crazy and I don't really talk to him either. So, yeah. I made friends and enemies with other anti-social freaks, but that's something, isn't it? _

_Okay, so I'm going to start off by telling you about the most amazing person in my life! Well actually people...I met someone on the show and it's getting pretty serious. They're names are Svetlana, Chester, Vito, Manitoba and of course Mike. They're all part of Mike but I'm kind of dating them all except for Vito because he still loves Anne Maria! We're working on it! At least I found someone, I told you I wouldn't be a crazy cat lady! It's just really hard when you want to spend time with your boyfriend but he's busy training for the Olympics and Svetlana wants to date Duncan...I tried to tell her that he's bad news and dating Gwen but she insists she likes the piercings! Svetlana and I don't get along, she only agreed to date me to experiment things. The things I do to get a guy to like me! I haven't even met his family yet and Mike told me that his mom has MPD too so Christmas should be fun..._

_Forget about the whole Mike thing! I promise you'll like him, you just won't like Svetlana or Vito...Anyway, moving on to my best friend Cameron! He's like the greatest guy I know and I can't wait for you to meet him! He lived in a bubble for most of his life, so he was easy to make friends with, that sounds really bad on my part, doesn't it? I'm kinda friends with Bridgette who is nice when she's not making out with Geoff. Oh and Heather likes me as long as I don't look at her or talk to her..._

_This place is kinda bad, but I guess I shouldn't expect much because I know how Chris is! He charges us in quarters to use the washer and dryer. I feel like everyone here is stupid but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or get mad at me for voicing my opinion. Last night I went to take my clothes down to the washing machine and Jo was yelling at Owen because he decided to make oatmeal in the washing machine that she was using because he didn't have any quarters...I mean who does that? I didn't want to be rude and say anything but I can't understand why he would want to do that. _

_Also, Someone needs to tell Geoff to stop putting pink hair dye in Harold's shampoo. This is the 12th day in a row he did this and it's the 12th time Harold has fallen for it. I guess I would find this funny if I didn't live next door to Harold and had to hear him curse every morning at 5am...Gwen told me this happens a lot and gave me earplugs. I guess that's friendly, right? _

_Another thing I don't like is that nobody ever cleans up around here! I know we're all teenagers but can't we clean?! 3 weeks ago the guys had a party and they left an empty pizza box in the hallway and it started to smell so bad, so Gwen, Bridgette and me decided we would clean up and I threw the pizza box away. Trent came out screaming at me that it had 9 grease stains on it and he was waiting for 9 weeks to give it a proper disposal. Also, I really like Mike but he can be messy especially when he's in Vito mode! Vito constantly leaves greasy hair gel all over my bathroom! Then when I ask him to stop doing it he tells me 'You know that It's not me, right? You need to work out these issues with Vito.' Newsflash Mike! You and Vito share the same hands so wash them after you grease your hair and stop running your fingers through it! _

_Anne Maria also pollutes the air with her hairspray! I can't even stand being in the same room as her. Her hairspray doesn't even smell good. It smells like the shampoo they used to wash Amigo with when we took him to the groomers! Yes, it smells like she is using dog products, which is really funny if you ever actually saw this girl, you would understand. _

_So yeah, I basically have a life now! So Mom, when you're ready to have all these girl talks with me like you promised, I'm ready for all your dating advice and horror stories! I think I may have you beat in some ways..._

_Hope to hear from you soon, _

_Zoey. _


	21. Scott

**Disclaimer: Nada.**

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_Dear parents who were too cheap to pay for a plane ticket to Los Angeles, _

_Hi, It's me, Scott! I'm writing to tell you how much you suck! You couldn't have given me $200 for a plane to LA?! yet you gave my stupid sister Savannah the money to go to cheer camp?! Thanks, It's obvious who the favorite it. That $30 you gave me when I first left home? Yeah, it got me stuck on Total Drama! a stupid show that nobody in their right mind would ever watch! That's what $30 gets you, a cheap bus ticket to audition for a show that nobody wants to be on. At least if you gave me the $200 I could have been on a plane to LA and I could have tried out for American Idol like I originally wanted to do. _

_So, Thanks to the favoritism in this family, I'm now signed on to this stupid show for the next 3 years and everyone here is so stupid and they dislike everything I love! I don't have anything in common with any single one of these people. They obviously need to cast better. I wanted to teach everyone how to shoot a gun, you're not allowed to even carry on these grounds! I suggested it and everyone ganged up on me! DJ, Dawn, Bridgette, Geoff, Anne Maria, Justin, Cameron and that loser Courtney all started screaming at me about how violent guns can be! What the hell?! It's not like I was going to shoot them or anything..._

_Yeah, I'm pretty much forced to live here because I signed a contract! Yay for bad choices when you're 16 years old. So, let me tell you more things I can't stand here. _

_First, Nobody in this stupid place understands how to keep a schedule! There is no set bedtime here and that's the worst thing to happen here ever! Due to the fact that everyone can do whatever they want at any stupid time they want, it means that Geoff has breakfast parties at 5am and Duncan is constantly slamming his door to his room, so is Courtney and Cameron. I'm nicknaming them the door slamming trio. They seriously don't know how to quietly close a door if they're life depended on it. _

_Secondly, Gwen is constantly dying her hair that obnoxious color. Why do I care? because it stinks when she does it and I happen to live across the hall from her. Everyone knows it's not her real hair color anyway, so she needs to stop coloring her stupid roots every week! Anne Maria is just as bad when it comes to the hair care! It's constantly polluting the air! She sprayed me with it in the breakfast line this morning! who carries a bottle of hair spray with them to get a bowl of cereal?! _

_Oh, yeah let's not forget about how we all scream what we believe in at everyone else! Okay, so Zoey decided yesterday morning at 9am to protest about animal rights! Gwen and Bridgette joined in along with Dawn! So, they made signs and started to scream something about how animals are furry people...That was annoying, but then it got worse! Courtney decided to have a protest against protesting! She got Alejandro, Geoff, Ezekiel, Sam and Dakota to join her! They all got mad at each other and started screaming! What kind of morons do these things?! The camera's weren't even on! _

_Oh yeah, there is also this purple haired weirdo that is constantly baking something. She's a horrible cook. She also lays claims on everything in the kitchen. I went to get an apple from the fridge yesterday and she screamed at me that it was Cody's apple. It wasn't! Not that I'm a Cody stalker but I have yet to see him eat an apple since I've been here! _

_Yeah, like I said. There are no rules here! This place is disgusting and I wouldn't want my worst enemies to live with these people. it's like nobody sleeps in this place! Every single time I try to sleep, it's like a sensor goes off and everyone starts pounding on my door asking me if I want to do a pointless activity! No Brick, I don't want to be the judge of a hotdog eating contest that you and Jo are having at 3am! I hope you both get sick and throw up! The same goes for you Lightning, just because you want to watch some cartoons at 4am does not mean I want to watch them with you, I have my own TV and would watch them by myself if I wanted to. These people seriously come up with random ways to annoy me! No matter what they want to do, it's like it's completely acceptable! Horseback riding at 3am? Sure thing, Leshawna! I'd love to teach you how to do that at 3am! Let's go off on a trail in the dark and die the second we find some horses! _

_I really hate them, I can't even stress this enough. I'm just a simple guy who is trying to win a million dollars right now. These people who never won, I can see why! None of these people appear to be intelligent enough to do it. Even when I was filming season 4, I would go to sleep and Mike would sneak over to Zoey's and they would stay up and talk all night! Sam would play his video games and Lightning would be so wired up on energy drinks and steroids! I'm honestly surprised that Lightning and Cameron even made it to the final two! They treated this whole game like it was a giant party. I don't think any one of these people have worked a day in their lives! _

_So, I'm entering season 5 with Gwen and Duncan next season, I'm dreading this. They're the new couple that everyone loves along with Mike and Zoey. So, I assume this means that I'll be sharing a cabin with Mike and Duncan...Terfreakinrific. I don't like Duncan, he's a poser who always wants to talk about tattoos and I really can't stand his girlfriend. The first chance I get, Gwen is going home. I really can't stand her. She seems to be my main issue around here with her stinky hair dye and pointless protests. _

_Oh yeah, I beat this fat guy Owen up too. He has this weird thing he's been doing lately. He makes giant batches of oatmeal in the washing machines, he did it to Jo the other day and he did it to me this morning. I punched him and then made him pay to have my clothes cleaned again, what an asshole. _

_I hooked up with this hottie, Lindsay though. She's stupid and thinks I'm Tyler, that was the high light of my stupid time here. _

_See you when my contract ends, _

_Scott. _


	22. Lindsay

**Disclaimer: Nada. **

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_Dear Tyler, _

_I wanted to tell you that I really miss you and I wish you would stop changing and giving into peer pressure! It's not cool that you're giving in to all these trends and it makes me sad to see you pretending you're someone you're not! Like when you decided to join the military in season 4 and developed a bad bed wetting habit, it was really hard for me to sleep in the same bed with you when you had those plastic sheets! I'm glad you gave that up but then you started speaking Spanish and I felt really stupid because I only speak Paris! On the plus side, that tanning salon you go to is really good, I just wish we could tan together so I could have a nice tan like that too! I'm starting to look like Ginny, being pale and all. _

_Oh, yeah and since we're talking about how much I care about you Tyler I think you should stop wearing bra's all the time! I mean I know you like to jog and do extreme things but when you start wearing bras and going to the gym all the time, you always distance yourself from me and tell me that I'm a dumb bimbo and that really hurts because I've watched that Disney movie like 5 times and I don't see how I'm like a deer! I hope you don't think I'm the skunk..._

_So, Tyler can you please stop changing all the time? I don't know who you are and it confuses me! I feel like you need to find yourself. I mean if you want me to help you all you have to do is ask me and I'll be happy to help you, we don't need to go through these weird phases where we dye our hair purple and chase Corey around either! That one I really really didn't get, I still don't know why we had to chase him and corner him in the bathroom until he cried! _

_Oh, I wanted to tell you that you can just move in with me in my room! Because you always move! It is so confusing, one day you live in room 7 and your room is surrounded by posters of really really really hot guys and then the next day you move to room 3 and have these weird maps of the world hanging up everywhere with red X's all over and you talk to yourself a lot and laugh! I'm willing to do anything I can to help you, even if it involves going through these weird phases that I don't understan-_

_Oops, Chip just yelled at me and told me that I'm not supposed to write a letter to Tyler and now he's yelling at me for wasting paper._

* * *

_Dear Tooth Fairy, _

_I just got my wisdom teeth taken out 3 weeks ago, I was wondering if you can just take the teeth and leave my wisdom alone, because I'm going to be on Total Drama All-Stars and I need it this season if Tyler and I are going to win it, Hannah is trying to steal Tyler from me because he's hot and tan now. _

_Oops, Chip yelled at me again! I don't know why! He's the one who told me to write to the tooth fairy in the first place! he needs to make up his mind about what he wants me to write!_

* * *

_Dear Diary, _

_Chip is being really mean today! He keeps calling me stupid and he's telling me that I'm wasting his time and money and he's just being rude! If he keeps it up, I'm going to have to vote him out next time we lose a challenge! Chip is the worst teammate ever! He never even helps us win, he just talks all the time while we do challenges! I don't know how he makes it to the final 3 every single season! _

_Guess what Diary? Guess who just came in and started yelling at me again? Chip! Of course! He's so bossy and mean! Who does he think he is to tell me what I can and can't write in my diary! He also told me that I wasn't even writing in my diary! Does he think I'm stupid? I know what my Diary looks like, it's pink with hearts on it and it has sparkles inside the hea-Oh, oops. I guess Chips was right, this isn't my diary!_

* * *

_Hey Parents of Lindsay, _

_I just wanted to say that your daughter is incredibly hot. She has the nicest rack here for a 16 year old. She's the best dumb blonde on the show ever! It's really funny because she gets everyone confused for Tyler. However, she's incredibly stupid and it gets annoying after awhile. Everyone here constantly complains about her. She knocks on doors at weird hours looking for Tyler which is hilarious for a few minutes but it gets old really fast. I'm starting to see why you sent her here in the first place. If I didn't make her sign a contract I would personally send her home, I even looked over her contract 7 times to see if she signed it wrong and I could kick her out...Yeah, I can't. _

_As you can see, I'm writing on the back of this paper because your daughter used the whole front side of it to write letters to at least 4 people she thinks are Tyler and a mythical creature. Did she pass the 5th grade? She must have always been hot and had male teachers to make it as far as she did. I know for a fact that when she talks to me, I just look at her body 95% of the time. So, I spent 3 hours with her attempting to write a letter to her family and she couldn't even do that right! So, I'm going to tell you exactly what she said, It was something along the lines of 'Hi mom and dad, I like totally miss you guys and Tyler is really really hot!' _

_Did you drop her on her head when she was a baby? _

_Seriously hating you guys, _

_Chris Mclean. _

_P.S._

_Please send sexier clothes and shorter skirts._

* * *

**Okay, so this pissed me off. I actually wrote it out and had lines going through the first of Lindsay's letter's to make it look like she actually crossed it out when she realized it was wrong. I thought it would be even funnier having her cross it out...Fanfiction disagrees with me even though I have tried 5 times in 5 different ways. So, a big fuck you to Fanfiction for not letting me make it look like I wanted it to. I was really disappointed too. I just kinda thought it would add to the funny factor. Yeah, my plan fucking failed. I actually find it less amusing now that the first letter's aren't crossed out. =( **

**Well Fuck...**

**I was going to completely re-write it when it wouldn't do it. But then I decided last minute to just do it anyway. I'm hoping people still find it amusing even though it's no longer crossed out. I think it upsets me because I was using the crossed out word format when writing it so I actually got to see it when it was done. This was not how my original vision hoped this would be. **


	23. Alejandro

**Disclaimer: Nada.**

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_Dear mom and Dad, _

_If I ever decide that I want to sign up for another reality show ever again, please promise me that you'll break my fingers so that I can't sign the contract. This is one of the most horrible things that I ever done in my whole life. The only thing that I got from this show was horrible memories and the love of my life Heather. _

_These people are some of the most hideous, disgusting, strange and unhygienic people I have ever met in my entire life. Let me start with Owen, he alone is enough to make me want to puke! He started a contest to see who cannot shower the longest, do girls honestly find this attractive? He got Harold, Lightning, Sam, Duncan, Cody and Geoff to all partake in this horrible idea of his. Ironically, the only one this worked out well for was Cody! Sierra found him disgusting and dumped soapy water on him. So, smelling bad is a good way to get rid of any potential stalkers you may have. Owen also eats all the food, no matter what. I've been living off a bag of Doritos that I bought from Lightning. If you don't get up at 3am and wait in line, you aren't getting food. Sometimes even if you do get up at 3am you still risk not getting food. If he exploded, he would be like a food piñata! That would be disgusting, but it would be a blessing. I pray every night that he has a heart attack from all that fatty food he eats. _

_Sadly, Owen isn't my only problem! I also have Courtney who is obsessed with me always coming to my room. She has a key somehow! I think Sierra is teaching Stalker 101 or something...Courtney wants to come over to my room and eat foods that she thinks are sexy. Heather isn't pleased with me for that, she thinks I gave Courtney the key and now it caused a big fight! I know I had a bad reputation in the past but I mean it, I did not give Courtney the key! _

_Oh yeah, I hate DJ. I have no idea why, I just really can't stand the guy! He's too nice and he cries all the time. He keeps bringing me baked goods that remind him of his mom and he tells me she betrayed him and then he starts crying and I don't care at all. There is no nice way of telling someone to shut up and stop crying at your door..._

_Harold has managed to annoy me too, he recently started a collection of bird feathers and I'm horribly allergic and I ran out of my allergy medication. I refuse to tell Harold I'm allergic because I think he will bring them near me on purpose if I do. _

_Lightning keeps leaving his underwear outside my door. I have no clue what this means or if I even want to know. I usually just throw them away and then he gets mad at me and starts screaming at me using the word 'Sha' a million times. I'm just going to start giving the underwear to Owen, maybe that will help him explode faster. _

_The weirdest problem by far that I have seen in the past week is Geoff. What happened was Sam accused him of stealing his headphones and Geoff said he didn't he just happened to own a pair just like Sam's so Geoff decided to start peeing on every single thing he owns, including Bridgette. So now the place stinks like urine and Geoff and Bridgette keep fighting. Heather finds this amusing, I beg to differ with her on that. It would be funny if he did it once, he's done it multiple times. Chris as usual doesn't even care. _

_I'm pretty sure that Izzy is raping people. I know that is not something I should be discussing with my parents, but I'm fearing for my safety. Izzy keeps getting packages from 'Lance's adult toy world.' so does Chris and Trent. I sign for them all because I'm always the one by the pool when they come for them! I really need to stop hanging out by the pool..._

_This place is crazy. I hate everyone. I just want to marry Heather and get the heck outta here for good! _

_Desperate for Escape, _

_Alejandro._

* * *

**K, so I don't speak Spanish and I'm not going to google translate. You can always pretend it is. I have no clue who I wanna do next. Suggest stuff. **


	24. Bridgette

**Disclaimer: Nada.**

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_Dear Mom and Dad, _

_I'm guessing by now you realized that I lied to you about taking summer lifeguard training courses? Well yeah, I lied to you and I feel about it, it's just that you wouldn't let me do anything and you were always treating me like I was a kid, I'm not 10 years old anymore and I hated Saturday afternoons at the park with girls I didn't even want to hang out with anyway! That's why I lied and signed up for a reality show and not lifeguard training courses like you thought. I feel bad that I haven't seen you in almost a year but I'm not regretting it! I have a boyfriend that understands and respects me! I have the freedom here that you guys would never allow me to have at home. _

_I couldn't be happier here at the playa! I get to hang out at the pool all day with these really cool people who I'm not forced to hang out with just because they're parents all work together! I learned that the people I met on this show are totally cooler than any of the friends you two could possibly find for me. I'm assuming you watched the show by now? My friends are amazing and totally awesome! There is Geoff, Gwen, Leshawna and Zoey that I hang out with a lot and they don't think my protests are stupid unlike some people...DAD. _

_Don't get me wrong, I'm still the same old girl who you knew before she got on the bus and joined a reality show! Just last week Anne Maria got some new hairspray that was tested on poor innocent mice! So, I grabbed the can and whipped it at her face! I felt bad and Heather laughed at me, so Leshawna punched her. That just caused a huge argument between Leshawna and Alejandro and it resulted in everyone hanging racist and offensive signs on their doors...Trent hung a sign up with a 4 written on it and a X crossing it out...Not sure how that's offensive but nobody really bothered to ask. _

_I started a swim class at the playa too! I figured it would be a fun activity that we could all do together. Geoff agreed and helped me make a sign to tell everyone about it. Courtney hung a sign over it though to express her hatred for Gwen so nobody came to my swim class except for me, Geoff and this kid Cameron. Everyone else was too busy arguing about if they were team Duncney or team Gwuncan..._

_Yeah, as you can see by now almost everything I attempt to do gets ruined by someone else's stupidity. I try to be a nice person and do fun things around here but it seems like everyone goes out of their way to ruin it! I tried to have a birthday party for DJ and everyone showed up! Duncan wore a sweater and Gwen freaked out because Courtney bought him the sweater! Who really cares which girl got him the sweater? Apparently Gwen, Courtney, Zoey, Scott and Dakota care, that's who. _

_Is it bad that it's normal for me to wake up at 8am and find my boyfriend starting a conga line with Heather, Lightning, Owen and Cody? Because that's what happened the other day, they offered to let me join but I told them no. Apparently this is normal behavior in the real world...Either that or I just know really stupid people. _

_I did feel bad for lying to you about that class though, so I decided to actually take the course and I'm now able to rescue people from the pool, which is pretty good for me because Tyler, DJ, Duncan, Mike and Justin are always doing something stupid in the pool that requires some type of saving. The other day Tyler tried to drown Harold in the pool because he was following him around all day stating facts about sports. I should have left him drown but I made a pledge to the lifeguard foundation or something like that. _

_You also can't be nice to anyone around here without getting called a slut. I gave Cody a cookie from lunch and Sierra added me to some hit list she's making! It gets even crazier, I held the elevator door for Duncan and Gwen gave me a dirty look! Was I honestly supposed to let the door shut in his face?! Oh, and let's not forget the time I let Justin borrow my hairbrush! Sadie, Katie, Anne Maria, Owen and even Geoff gave me dirty looks! He asked me! It's not like we kissed or anything, I just left the guy borrow my hair brush for 2 minutes! _

_So, what I'm trying to say is that maybe you guys being so protective and picking my friends for me and treating me like a kid wasn't all that bad...I screwed up big time by signing up for this show! Maybe I shouldn't have lied and taken off to join some show and date the first cute guy I met. I'm sorry that I'm stuck in a contract until further notice. When I eventually end up coming home promise me that I won't be in too much trouble? I just wanted freedom! All I knew was surfing and swimming because we live by a beach! I didn't know anything else, I'm starting to realize that you were only looking out for me. I'm going to bring Geoff to meet you one of these days, please don't blame him for getting me stuck on this show, it's not his fault and nobody is forcing me to stay here except for Chris's contract. I never should have signed it. I guess in the long run I learned what type of people sign contracts to be on reality shows...Stupid people. Lesson learned. _

_Please don't be mad at me, _

_Bridgette._

* * *

**I was surprised with how many of you guys requested Bridgette, so for once in my life I listened to what everyone wanted and I did it. I enjoyed writing it for her. Basically she told her parents she was signing up for a class and just never came back. Sheltered child with hand selected friends picked by her parents. Dun Dun Dun Dun! Who's next? I don't even know...**


	25. Anne Maria

**Disclaimer: Nada.**

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_Dear Momma and Pappi, _

_I am writing to tell you that this show sucks! Brandi is not my friend anymore! she obviously lied to me so she could get the last spot on Jersey Shore! she told me this show was the same thing as Jersey Shore! She also told me she auditioned for the show too! Obviously a lie! I can't believe she would do that to me! Now I see her on Jersey Shore when I turn on the TV and I'm stuck in a contract with Chris Mclean! Thanks a lot Brandi, you back stabbing Jersey Shore loving whore! _

_So, because of the loser friends of mine, I'm stuck on this show! The only thing good about this show is that I found a man who can handle the hotness that is me. His name is Justin and although he isn't Vito he will have to do. Alejandro is already taken and the rest of these guys are losers so he's about as good as I'm getting in this place. In case you haven't figured this out yet, I'm kinda stuck here and there is no loophole in my contract!...Trust me, I looked. _

_So I'm going to tell you about my personal hell...I miss getting my nails done with my momma! I can't get my nails done here! These girls do the weirdest thing around here, they actually paint each other's nails and paint their own! They're all horrible at it. I didn't know girls actually did this! Have they ever heard of getting their nails done. That weird goth girl paints her own black and then this weird Izzy girl paints hers in rainbow colors...Oh, and that surfer girl paints hers this hideous blue color! Their polish always chips off in a day or two so I don't know why they waste their time. I'd rather walk around with my nails not painted then let one of those girls do a crappy job painting mine. _

_Another thing they don't do around here is hair and makeup! The girls who do wear it waste their time! it looks like they turned the lights off and did their makeup in the dark. I'm obviously the only one who knows that makeup is an art and I'm the only artist who can do it properly. I watched Heather do her makeup and she needs more eyeliner and I told her that and she got mad at me. I also told Gwen she looked dead when she put on her foundation and she told me that's 'The look she was going for.' Bridgette says that there is no point in wearing it when you surf...I'm surprised she has a boyfriend with an attitude like that. I tried to give that Jo girl a Makeover so that Lightning would stop calling her a boy but that failed miserably. I only offered in the first place because they are constantly slamming doors and fighting and everyone is sick of it. _

_Nobody on this show is normal. If you thought Jersey Shore was good at destroying things you obviously never saw how these people acted behind the scenes! There is so much nudity and s much cursing! Noah told me his aunt blocked this show at her house, I can see why! These people are horrible. Geoff always runs around in his underwear and Alejandro and Lightning are always making a mess in the hallway. The worst thing that happened was that Gwen broke the elevator and forced everyone to take the stairs! Now everyone is constantly pushing people down the stairs! Owen discovered his voice echoes in the stairwell and screams and farts in there just to hear it echo...at 3am! If I could ban him from the playa, I really would. I have tried to vote several people out of this place, including Duncan, Lightning and that loser Gwen because she's always trying to voice her opinion around here and I just want her to shut up! I got Courtney to vote with me, but Chef keeps telling us we can't vote people out of the house. Courtney is working on a lawsuit for that._

_Another problem I'm having is Trent! It's all Chris's fault too! Chris just had to tell him that my Birthday was September 9th! Well it turns out that for some reason that freak Trent started to stalk me and tell me that we should be together and my parents were sex gods. I have no clue what that means but he keeps sending me emails in Hebrew that I don't understand, I'm not sure if he's crazy or if he's in the mob. I'm afraid of him either way. _

_As you can see, I'm not a fan of anyone on this show. They don't have taste and they're all crazy! I've talked to Brick about this and we've come to the conclusion that the longer you stay on this show the more you start to lose your mind. The people you saw in season 1 drastically changed. I'm thinking that If I stick around here I'll become crazy too. They all need makeovers and some serious help if you ask me. Chris needs to hire councilors for these people! They could seriously use it. _

_I need more tan in a can and some hairspray or I'm never going to survive this week. _

_Wishin I was on Jersey Shore, _

_Anne Maria._

* * *

**What would you guys like to see next? I know a lot of you wanted Mike and that's gonna be awhile. I gotta get his personalities down before I write him. So, anyone other than Mike? **


	26. Cameron

**Disclaimer: Nada.**

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_Dear Mom, _

_Why on earth did you let me do this?! I know I said I wanted to be on my own but this is just crossing a line. Why did I join this show? Why did I think this was going to make me a rebel?! This was one of the biggest mistakes of my life and I miss the clean air from my bubble!_

As you know I begged and cried for weeks for you to give me freedom and we agreed on this show. We really should have had a nice long talk about this and reviewed the rules of the show and the safety issues and the living arrangements. I'm starting to think that boot camp may have been the better choice.

_So, this is what I got myself into, I met the craziest people in the world and they all happen to live under the same roof and pollute my air! Owen, Duncan and Anne Maria are the exact reason why I chose to live in a bubble to begin with. Duncan is the king of cigarette smoke, Anne Maria is the hairspray queen and Owen is gassy and gross. I wish I stayed in my bubble at home. _

_I'm just not used to dealing with the world yet, I get pushed down on the floor a lot. People don't notice me that much. Maybe that's a good thing because these people are nothing like the show makes them out to be! Trent is borderline psychotic, Sierra is always baking in the kitchen so nobody else can use it. Duncan likes to smoke pot in the hallway and Izzy sprays silly string in everyone's face!_

_I'm going to be honest with this, I don't like living with the old cast! They pretty much run this place because they've been here so long. Eva is allowed to keep her weights in the hallway and Chef Hatchet never says anything to her but Jo did the exact same thing and Chef threw them on her bed, now she has no bed...It broke! Gwen also wears a lot of make-up, you know how people have spray tans? she has something that's basically spray pale! It's disgusting and gets all over the walls! She also has her hair dye splattered all over the walls! It looks like we're living in a drug house! _

_Duncan recently started doing tattoo's in the hallway and I don't think that's safe or that he obtained his tools legally. What's worse is that Lightning and Brick decided they would let him do tattoo's on them! I'm pretty sure Duncan failed art class, Lightning wanted a catfish and it looks like male body parts! You'll be glad to know that I didn't get a tattoo. _

_Can I tell you guys a secret? I'm kind of in love with Courtney. I'm pretty sure that's a bad thing! I've had so many thoughts about her that aunt Josie would smack me for! She's just so angry and feisty! I can't help but love her. I tried talking to her at least 3 times but she told me she was better than me and that she was busy filing lawsuits. So, I'm just going to try stalking her from afar._

_Everyone here is mad at Gwen for breaking the elevator and I'm also quite mad at her. Because Gwen broke the elevator I learned that Lindsay and Tyler aren't virgins and that I'm scarred for life. I had to walk over Tyler's legs to get downstairs... I cringed the whole way down! Other contestants just decided to stay in their rooms because they're too lazy to walk, the perfect examples are Noah and Justin! They are easily the laziest people here. Gwen can't understand why people hate her around here, I understand why! She's always breaking things. Yeah, she broke the elevator but the week before that she broke the blender in the kitchen and Duncan's bedroom door. Courtney just makes it worse by making signs about how much she dislikes Gwen! Last week's sign was "Gwen's a boyfriend stealing, Elevator breaking, Door destroying whore!" and I don't think that's true, Gwen is my friend but I'll side with whatever Courtney wants. _

_Last week Jo got a cold and she bullied me into taking care of her! So, for a whole week I was cleaning up tissues off the floor and then I got sick too! So, I paid Duncan to punch her in the face! It may be shallow on my end, but I didn't hit a girl! I just hired someone else to do it! You always told me to never hit a girl, you never said I couldn't hire someone! _

_Oh, I want to mention that I finally made a friend, her name is Zoey and she's the greatest person ever. So, you owe me $10 mom, I told you I would make a friend when I got out of that bubble. I'd really rather get to know Courtney better which is why I joined season 5 because I found out she was there. _

_There is no control around here and everyone does whatever they want, I'm scared for my life! I haveen't eaten in 2 days because Owen ate all the food._

_Please save me,_

_Cameron. _


	27. Ezekiel

**Disclaimer: Nada.**

* * *

_Yo Mom and Dad,_

_I'm really starting to think that maybe being homeschooled wasn't the best choice for me. I'm pretty sure everyone hates me and I don't know why! I just want to win this game and meet a girl that wants a simple life style and will agree to come back home with me and marry me and have sex with me! Dad told me that's all I need in life and I've been trying real hard to get these chicks to like me. _

_So, let me tell you guys what my life has been like since I've gotten here, I'm really hoping that you can tell me what I've been doing wrong! These other guys here are completely nuts and they score all the time! Duncan wears Eyeliner and Brick wets the bed and Justin uses more beauty products than the girls here do! How is it Duncan and Justin and Alejandro can go and use tanning beds and wear eyeliner and jewelry and everyone tells them they look hot! I wore Gwen's lipstick one time just to try it and she punched me in the face! This is why I don't understand girls, eh! _

_Chris is the worst guardian dude ever, eh. All he does is flirt with girls on this show! I think he's too old to be doing that and it makes me feel pathetic that someone like Chris can get girls around here and I can't. Last week Chris took Lindsay, Katie, Heather and Anne Maria to get their belly buttons pierced and I asked him if I could get one too and he told me no! How rude is that? he's playing favorites! _

_I also heard Trent say he was looking for someone to give him a blowjob and so I offered because I'm really good at blowing on stuff...like hot food and glue so it will dry faster! So, I told him I would do it because I kinda need friends around here and he just walked away and he's been avoiding me. _

_Oh yeah, since the 3rd season I've been burned really badly from jumping into a volcano to get a suitcase full of money, Eh! I deserved it and then It melted and nobody had money so everyone really kinda hates me and I've been getting treated by doctors and a dermatologist in hopes of looking normal again. _

_Bridgette has been really mean to me! She banned me from the pool because my skin is peeling off and it floats around the pool. Apparently I'm "Gross" and I have no clue why they would think this! Nobody around here ever takes me seriously! They all think I'm crazy for hanging on for my life on that plane back in world tour, but if it was Courtney who did it everyone would praise her. _

_Everyone on this show has a Total Drama bobble head doll that Chris sells for $50.00 a piece. They all get $1.00 for every doll that sells of them and I don't even have a doll, that's not fair! Even that Staci girl has a bobble head doll and she got voted out first in season 4 and I had way more screen time then her! How can Chris do this?! I asked that really hot girl Courtney to help me sue Chris for playing favorites and she told me "Go away Zeke, you smell bad." and she wouldn't help me. _

_I'm starting to really regret signing up for this show. Everyone here is so judgmental, I pick my nose and everyone yells at me and tells me that I'm gross and then I see Owen pick his nose and everyone still talks to him. Geoff never changes his clothes and yet he has a girlfriend. This place is scary anyway. Everyone is always running around and yelling and blasting music. I'm kind of glad they don't like me, eh. _

_I had to hide in my room last night because things got out of control. There were chairs flying all over the game room! Duncan and Geoff decided that they wanted to play dodge ball inside and use chairs instead of balls. DJ was taking a shower when the game started and he got hit in the head with a chair as the game escalated and ended up being played on the whole floor. DJ wasn't even playing, yo! _

_It's official, I'm going to end up alone forever! These people are weirdoes and when a pack of weirdoes think that you're strange, you're never going to get laid around here. _

_Sadly Single,_

_Ezekiel._

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**Okay, so I actually had an issue with this chapter myself. I actually wanted to make Ezekiel an illiterate and just write a few lines of random letters and numbers. Then I felt that would be unfair to Zeke...Yeah, I decided that I was being unfair to a cartoon...So, this is hardly my best work but this was holding me back. I actually tried writing Zeke in a serious matter and I failed every single time. This is another reason I'm holding off on Mike. I'm not sure I can do his personalities and I would love to do them all in his letter. I'm just not sure I can do Mike any justice. Mike and Zeke are honestly my biggest writing issues. They are the two characters I cannot write decently. So, who should I do next? I honestly have no clue and I'm really not ready to do Mike. **


	28. Sadie

**Disclaimer: Nada.**

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_Dear Mom and Dad,_

_I officially hate this place! I haven't even been on this show since the first season! I never should have listened to Katie when she wanted to sign up for this! I'm stuck here while Katie completely ditched me to flirt with guys who don't even like her! Let's see, so far she's tried to sleep with Justin, Alejandro, Scott, Lightning, Geoff, Duncan and Chris! She's got rejected sooo many times and I don't even care about her anymore. _

_I've been trying to lose weight, but Brick, Jo, Eva, Lightning and Alejandro won't let me use the gym equipment. All they do every single day is talk about how great they look and stuff. I don't understand how they could want to do this. It's like nobody ever takes anything around here seriously! _

_Heather and Courtney are the biggest flirts around here so I don't know why Katie would even want to try to compete with them. Courtney would do anything to make Gwen jealous but I don't know why Duncan would even want to be with Gwen! She broke the elevator! Now we all have to take the STAIRS! I mean, those stairs are disgusting and now we like all have to walk down them! I stepped in gum! _

_Oh, yeah we only have one computer in the library and Noah and Courtney are constantly using them. So, I never get to use them. I just want to see Perez Hilton's website and I can never get on and Noah always tells everyone that what they want to do online isn't important. Trent and Noah got into an argument because Trent was trying to win an ebay auction and Noah refused to let him get online and he lost and then Trent was really really sad and he hit his head off the wall 9 times and so I grabbed a poster of the total drama brothers and I covered it up. So, I'm really like hoping that Chris doesn't see us because Trent is poor and I don't want to have to pay for the damage for him..._

_Also, I'm not a fan of Owen and his habit of eating everything! He ate my girl scout cookies that I bought from Scott who had to email his little sister just to get them here! Owen's a fatass. I know I shouldn't be saying things like that but it's totally true! If I had to make a list of people I hated here, Owen would be on the top of it. _

_Oh yeah, Lindsay stole my lip gloss and then Courtney stole my magazines and Heather stole $200 from me because she spent all her money! I really need to grow a spine. I tried to seduce Chef Hatchet for money but he told me he already had enough problems the way it was. _

_This was the biggest mistake of my life and I hope that Chris allows me to leave this place soon. The beds are horrible and the walls are thin and everyone here treats life like it's a party and guess what? It's not! Everyone should like totally get their lives together! Clean up after themselves and other crap like that because at least some of them get to participate in a season! I don't, I get to stay in this crappy place with Katie who flirts with anything that moves and Justin who is obsessed with his looks! I can't stand anyone here and I want to come home. _

_Like Seriously, _

_Sadie!_

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**Okay, so I'm going to do Staci's letter next and then Katie's and then I think I'll do Mike's what did ya think? **


	29. Staci

**Disclaimer: Nada.**

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_Hi Mom and Dad, _

_It's me Staci, I'm so glad that you sent me here so I can share my family tree with all my new friends. Our family legacy will carry on because of me! Some day my great great great great great grand kids will tell everyone how amazing I was and how I married that super mega hottie Alejandro! He's going to realize that he loves me and not that Heather girl. He would be the best choice for someone to mate with and I have the best child bearing hips! Can you say soul mates?! _

_I've been writing him letters and slipping them under his door with the blood from my nose. I'm a 4th generation nose bleeding writer as you guys know! I think it's a skill that he would be impressed with. I know he has seen them! I heard him commenting to Scott and Gwen about it a few times and I'm pretty sure that Heather knows because I've seen her shooting me dirty looks! I can't help it if my nose bleed written notes are better than any skill she may have. He loves me and it's obvious, I think he wants to have a secret affair with me in the stairwells and I'm game for it. _

_Life at the playa has been so fun! I've been making all kinds of friends here and telling them about how amazing my family is! I've been hoping that by telling them all these facts about my family I can find the perfect husband to bring back home! I need the right boyfriend who is able to fit in with our family. I'm also hoping to make tons of friends because the kids back at home just don't get how great my family ancestors are and I'm hoping that I can meet the perfect weird friend so I can be normal and not get judged. So far, Trent is the best choice for a friend, because he's obsessed with the number 9 and everyone else hates him so he might be desperate for friendship! Dawn is also polite, I know she hates my stories but who cares? She listens! Hostage friends are the best! _

_So, what I've been doing is trying to eliminate every other contestant on this show. That way I can win. If I want Alejandro and all his amazing family skills I need to get rid of Heather out of the playa. I've tried everything! I want his hot Latin body, which is why I joined this show in the first place...I always wanted to meet him. I've resorted to paying Trent $9.00 in hopes that he would help me. He gave Heather the flu and so I told her a story about great aunt Marsha's home remedies! She believed it and it made her puke. Unfortunately Alejandro just stayed by her side! I don't know how many stories I'm going have to tell to find myself a man._

_I also have been setting traps and blaming them on Owen. I put a bunch of Oatmeal in the washing machines and I've taken a dump in the pool and blamed it on him too. I've also sent Sierra death threats to stay away from Cody and signed them from Gwen._

_I guess you could say it's fun being a pathological liar who is a psychopath on the show especially when nobody else has a clue! I plan on drugging Alejandro and getting pregnant to force him to stay! _

_Can't wait to start a family, _

_Staci._

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**Did I just make Staci a deranged person? Yup. I honestly have no clue why. I made up bloody nose writing out of the blue and rolled with it and now I feel like a sick person who has issues. Ironically, Staci was an amusing character for me on season 4 and I was really pissed that they made her the Zeke of season 4. The problem I ran into was, she was only there for one episode so I don't have much to go by for her and my creative mind decided she would be a future serial killer who writes really strange things to her family. I'm pretty sure at this point she may have Trent beat for craziest letter so far. **


	30. Katie

**Disclaimer: Nada.**

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_Dear Mom and Dad, _

_Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy it's Katie! I'm writing to tell you that I kinda wish I went to cheer camp instead of this show! At least if Sadie and I went to cheer camp then I could tone up and Sadie could have like lost more weight! I know Dad wanted me to learn some life lessons, which is why he likes the way Chris teaches us lessons that are like totally NOT fun! _

_Daddy, you said that you like wanted to be my own person and get some life experiences out of this! I just learned that the world is a really like awful place. The people here aren't that friendly and Chris is totally a creep! At least if I went to cheer camp I wouldn't need to sign a contract and be forced to stay here and do nothing for like 4 seasons! _

_The only things that I learned is that Trent is crazy hot! I mean he's a total whack job but I'm everyone else is avoiding him which means that he's totally up for grabs! If he would date me and write songs about me and the number 9 I would be the happiest girl ever. _

_I also learned at this place that hygiene apparently does not matter! I have seen males and females here who just decide that they don't want to shower for days and sometimes weeks! That's just like totally gross! Geoff, Owen, Izzy and Sierra are like the biggest defenders! Especially Sierra! Cody is right! she totally sticks her thumbs in her armpits when nobody is looking. She also hates wearing deodorant. I know because I asked her one time if I could borrow some and she told me that she didn't wear any. _

_Do you know what else is like so annoying? DJ because he's always crying and complaining about something! He was so sad that Dawn went out and got him a turtle and it somehow died and he even cried more! How do you kill a turtle? Why is DJ even allowed to have a pet? I asked if I could get a puppy and I was told that I couldn't and that's like totally not fair! _

_I also tried to get a Total Drama prom here at the playa and it failed miserably! The only people who showed up were Heather and Alejandro, me, Sadie and Izzy! it was horrible! Heather and Alejandro only showed up to steal the crowns for the king and the queen and Izzy spiked the punch and Sadie was the only one who drank it so yeah, Izzy took Sadie somewhere and then I was stuck cleaning the mess up. It was the worst moment of my life! The contestants that didn't show up didn't even have a good reason! They live here so this was not acceptable. Plus, I should have totally been prom queen! _

_Daddy, I wish you would let me come home! I know you think I'm shallow but I'm totally not! So can I pleeeaaasseee come home? At least I have privacy in the shower at home. _

_Hating this place,_

_Katie. _


	31. Jo

**Disclaimer: Nada.**

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_Mom and Dad, _

_I'm writing to let you know that the school counselor lied and this is not a camp for kids with behavioral issues even though I find this to be a better place anyway, at least while I'm here I have a chance to win money, and yes, I do plan on competing again next season, which means that I won' be returning to school like you two dopes had originally planned, I would never leave this place, not when I have so many easy targets around here! I can practically do whatever I want around here and nobody says anything to me! So, I just want to thank you for listening to that moronic school counselor who actually believed that this place would make me a better person! _

_I'd love to tell you about my summer at camp where I got 'help' with my problems. This one doofus named Lightning keeps calling me a guy. I had to show him my boobs just to prove a point to him, even then I'm pretty sure he's too stupid to figure it out. This other chick Bridgette tried to get me a boyfriend and give me a makeover with some other idiot named Lindsay, I don't need help from them, I look better than both of them combined. I'm happy with myself._

_The living arrangements in this place could be better! Chris is too busy looking at Lindsay, Heather, Courtney and Dakota in swimsuits to bother fixing anything around this place! The pretty and slutty ones always get what they want. If Heather's air conditioner breaks then it gets fixed in 10 minutes tops by the interns, however if Scott and Duncan have a broken air conditioner then they end up waiting up to 3 days. That's the only thing I hate about this place, guys don't see me for what's on the inside, they only care about the big breasted girls who complain about everything! _

_I met a guy that I really like, his name is Brick and I also hate him. I want to tell him my feelings, but he only thinks of me as 'One of the guys' and that pisses me off so I usually end up hitting him at least 6 times a day, but he deserves it because I always catch him looking at that Dawn girl! It's always Dawn and Courtney! Oh, and sometimes that purple haired weirdo! Why would he even want a purple haired weirdo? a bitch who complains about everything and a witch girl! Guys are so complicated. _

_What really grinds my gears is when I'm trying to watch Family Guy or Adult Swim on the TV in the community room and that Zoey comes in the room and brings every season of the Gilmore girls and takes over the TV! Once she puts that stupid show on, more idiots show up and watch it with her, including her stupid boyfriend with MPD that everyone finds annoying and by everyone I mean just me and Heather. I hate Heather a lot too, just because she did well in every season, does NOT mean that she's better than me, those veterans think they're so much better and they're not. _

_Last night I was trying to take a shower, but Dakota used up the majority of the hot water, so that meant that I wasn't getting a decent temperature of shower water, on the plus side, by the time that idiot Lightning took a shower, the water was freezing. Oh yeah, Chef is a pervert and he can't cook for shit, so maybe you can send me some money to get some food that doesn't suck. I don't know how Chef ever got a job cooking for anyone in the first place, he spends more time hitting on interns and hanging out with Chris then actually doing any type of cooking. _

_The worst part about staying in this place is that the walls are thin and you can everything that's being talked about which I really annoys me because I'm stuck next to the hallway bathroom and Cody's room, which is really annoying because I get to hear that purple haired weirdo trying to get in his room and him yelling to get out or I get to hear Owen take a shit multiple times a day! Can you say worst room location ever? _

_Yeah, that's all I really have to say. I'm not coming home and I'm going to try to become a millionaire, if I do, you'll never see me again. Maybe I'll date Brick or I may just beat him up because he has bad taste in girls, either way, I'm not coming home. _

_Soon to be Millionaire,_

_Jo. _


End file.
